You deserve to have boundaries

Image Courtsey: Chad Madden, Unsplash.com

If there has ever been a time in your life where you have unconsciously taken two steps back from someone who was standing too close to you or pulled your chair back in a group setting, you can attribute it to your need of maintaining your personal space. We all have a personal space, the space surrounding us that encompasses the area we feel safe, and where any threat to that space would make us feel uncomfortable.

A 2018 article on National Geographic states that the term “personal space” is relatively new – but that uneasy feeling you get when someone moves too close is ancient. Neuroscientist Michael Graziano, author of the new book, The Spaces Between Us, says, “There really is such a thing as personal space. The brain computes a buffer zone around the body.” We have this ‘second skin’ hardwired into our DNA. The article says that this invisible second skin, is used primarily for protection by human beings – just as animals do when there are predators around.

But when it comes to us Indians we have an alarming disdain for keeping physical buffers for ourselves and others. An excerpt from Damodar Mali's book, Supermarketwala: Secrets to Winning Consumer India, reads: “When it comes to queues, Indians actually feel reassured by a certain amount of crowding – even a respectable amount of personal space is abhorrent to their competitive instincts.” On his request Proact consumer research team conducted an experiment on queues of all kinds in urban India – at bus stops, train stations, airports, colleges, temples, fancy buffet counters in five-star hotels, farmhouse marriage parties and multiplexes. The findings were illuminating. “If you leave a space measuring more than your forearm — from the tip of your finger to your elbow — between you and the person just ahead of you in a queue, such a gap is just not feasible to sustain. It shall get bridged or occupied within five minutes,” he writes. They called it ‘elbow-push factor’.

In our defense, there are just so many of us! But that still shouldn't be an excuse to squeeze in to a crowded elevator or ask for a sliver of a fourth seat on the bus, even if you have to park yourself on someone's leg. Fortunately, the urban elite do understand now the concept and practice it too. So both, culturally and practically, personal spaces are easier to know and maintain. They include our need for personal space, our comfort with touch and other physical needs like rest, food and water. It doesn't take too much effort to tell someone that you are not a big hugger or you would prefer them to knock before entering your room.

But it gets tricky to set boundaries when they are link to emotional, belief-based, sexual or financial situations. Additionally, it's even harder to set and communicate boundaries, if you display any of the following temperaments:

Conflict avoidance: It can feel easier to just tolerate someone's behavior, but then you end up getting pushed to a point where you can’t tolerate anymore and then feel that you have no choice but to cut this person out of your life entirely.  But really, is it the other person’s fault if they didn’t even know that they were violating your boundary in the first place?

Fear rejection: Not all people in life will agree with where you have drawn your boundaries. And sometimes a boundary may be very important to you and completely incomprehensible to someone else and in this instance it is going to be difficult to maintain a relationship in a way that is healthy for both of you.

Therefore, standing by your boundaries can be difficult and takes practice. So here are some boundaries, beyond the physical, you deserve to have and what they might look like in practice, according to Elizabeth Earnshaw, licensed marriage and family expert.

Emotional boundaries-are all about respecting and honoring feelings and energy. Respecting emotional boundaries means validating your own feelings and the feelings of others too. They may sound like:

“When I share my feelings with you and get criticized, it makes me totally shut down. I can only share with you if you are able to respond respectfully to me.”

“I really can’t talk about that right now. It isn’t the right time.”

Emotional boundary violations include:

Dismissing and criticizing feelings

Asking questions that are not appropriate for the relationship

Reading or going through personal and emotional information

Asking people to justify their feelings

Assuming we know how other people feel

Telling other people how they feel

“Emotionally dumping” on people without their permission

Sharing inappropriate emotional information with your children

Time boundaries-it means understanding your priorities and setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without over committing. When you understand your priorities, it is much easier to limit the amount of time you are giving to other people. Healthy time boundaries might sound like:

“I can’t come to that event this weekend.”

“Do you have time to chat today?”

“I would love to help, but I would be over-committing myself, is there another time?”

“We have family time on Sundays, so we wont make it.”

Violated time boundaries look like demanding time from people, keeping people in conversations or on tasks longer than needed, showing up late or cancelling on people last minute and contacting people when they said they would be unavailable.

Sexual boundaries-include consent, agreement, privacy and understanding preferences and desires.

Healthy sexual boundaries include:

Asking for consent

Discussing and asking what pleases you

Saying no to thing that you do not like or that hurt you

Discussing contraception

Protecting the privacy of the other person

This might sound like:

“Do you want to have sex now?”

“Is this comfortable for you?”

“Let’s try something different.”

“I don’t want to have sex tonight. Can we cuddle instead?”

Sexual boundary violations include:

Sulking, punishing or getting angry if someone does not want to have sex.

Not asking for consent.

Pressure to engage in unwanted sexual acts.

Leering

Lying about your health history

Unwanted touch, assault or rape.

Intellectual boundaries-refer to your thoughts, ideas and curiosity. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of other people, and they can be violated when your thought and curiosity are shut down, dismissed or belittled. Respectfulness and willingness to dialogue and understand are important here. It may sound like:

“I know we disagree, but I wont let you belittle me like that.”

“I can respect that we have different opinions on this.”

“When we talk about this, we don’t get very far. I think it is a good idea to avoid the conversation right now.”

Material boundaries-refer to items and possessions like your home, car, clothing, money etc. Having limits on how your material items are treated is healthy and prevents resentment over time. This might sound like:

“I can’t lend you my car. I am the only person on the insurance.”

“We can’t give any more money. We would be happy to help in another way.”

“Sure I am happy to share my dress with you but I will need it back by Friday.”

The more we set boundaries, the more we recognize them. In the words of Brene Brown, “Clear is kind.”