WHAT ADULT CHILDREN NEED THEIR PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND

Image Courtesy: Volodymyr Hryshchenko, Unsplash

Michelle Maidenberg, a certified therapist and author, recently surveyed 50 adults, asking them to share one thing they felt they needed their parents to know. This letter represents their responses with a few observations of my own.

Dear Parents,

As an adult, I am aware of my judgments of you and your judgments toward me. Some of my judgments are remnant of the past, but some circle back to more recent behaviour. Just as you want to be proud of me, it is important to me that I can be proud of you. I want a parent I can communicate honestly and freely with, agree to disagree and share my thoughts and influence new perspectives. I want to be proud of you too, a parent I can look up to and respect.

It hurts when you react sarcastically or angrily towards me. The silent treatment, guilt trips, and ignoring difficult issues have adversely affected our relationship. Even as an adult, your respect is important to me. Please take notice of my feelings, and let’s talk about those sometimes rather than focusing on your problems. Instead of pushing uncomfortable conversations under the carpet, just for once try and actively listen to what I have to say. It is not to blame you, but to accept feedback and taking responsibility for one’s role in hurting or irritating each other.

It is disappointing when I am compared to other people. I am my own person and I worked hard to get here. Ask me about what I take pride in and what drives me. Commit to getting to know and understand me.

Respect my individuality and independence and give me credit, instead of appreciating influences of others. It chips away my confidence and self-worth. It is important that you are explicit about why you are proud of me and why you care about me. I still need your acknowledgment and admiration; I have an inherent need to be noticed and yes, adored by you. I want to feel that I am a priority in your life and that your love for me is unconditional and enduring.

I don’t need to hear you say “I love you”. I am sure you do. I have a much bigger need and that is you taking responsibility of discounting my feelings and dismissing what I say. Listen to me, even if you don’t agree with everything you hear. I am different from you. I think how I think and I feel how I feel. Talk to me as a grown-up offspring, avoid making inappropriate demands or offering advice like I am still a child.

Take notice when I am not acting like myself. There is usually a good reason for it. Just like you, I sometimes get overwhelmed and feel befuddled. Instead of judging and instantly reacting/advising, ask if I’m OK. If you are caring and patient with me, I am more likely to calm down and revert to my genuine self instead of pulling away.

I understand that as a child I did not live up to your expectations, but I had different needs. A hug, a pat on my back and a sensitivity to correct my misbehaviour. I wanted you to be my cheer-leaders, not behind my back but in front of me. You couldn’t accept me for who I was and it hurt being reminded of my stubbornness again and again. I hurt myself so much more in the process for always feeling misunderstood. For not feeling heard, validated and respected.

I know no one is perfect, but I need you to accept personal responsibility for the mistakes you made. When you get defensive, it makes me feel invalidated and as if you are dismissive of me and my feelings. We can’t go back in time and fix the past, but I need to feel sure I will not be hurt in the same way again. And I know I have made mistakes too, but please do not constantly remind me of them or throw them in my face. We are both evolving and can take personal responsibility, but it’s not helpful for us to stay stuck in the past. It will just create further distance between us.

Thank you for teaching me valuable life lessons. I learned through modelling your behaviour, through seeing and experiencing what you did and did not work for you, and deciding to do many things differently. I have gratitude for your lessons because they helped shape me into the person I am today.

We have to be able to look into ourselves and apologise. It may not necessarily make sense to each of us why we think, feel or react in the way we do, but we can still try to understand and have compassion for the other’s position.

We both need to take responsibility for shaping, maintaining and managing this relationship. This includes initiating contact, compromising and negotiating and finding mutually enjoyable ways to connect. Simply waiting for me to do the work of building and maintaining the relationship is not helpful.

It is always easier to maintain status quo in our relationship, even when it is frustrating. Change is the harder choice, but it’s also the best path to greater connection and satisfaction.

I sincerely hope that you will be willing to help bridge the distance between us that will determine the way our relationship evolves.