THE MOST POWERFUL BOND

Image Courtesy: Liv Bruce, Unsplash

The bond between a parent and child is the primary bond, the foundation for the rest of the child's life. The presence or absence of this bond determines much about the child's resiliency and what kind of adult they will grow up to be.

Jane Fonda

Seeing the response my previous post, "I Groomed Myself", received, I feel encouraged to bring out the pivotal role of emotional awareness in parenting. Putting a comedic spin on Indian parenting by various stand-up comedians and film makers generates a lot of laughter. This appreciation may serve as a coping mechanism for many but unfortunately it also makes the absence of emotional intelligence acceptable. The importance of the parent-child bond has been disregarded for too long, creating a generation of emotionally unattuned individuals.

It is in your eyes, your words, your actions and your smile that a child forms an image of herself. It is imperative for parents to choose their words and actions. When you often criticise your child and say, “you’re doing it all wrong” it deflates her self-confidence. When you use comparisons and say, “why can’t you be more like Khanna aunty’s daughter and get good grades?” she feels inadequate. When you use negative adjectives such as sloppy, bad, lazy, stubborn, she feels she is not valuable. When you regularly say “What’s wrong with you?” or “How many times have I told you not to…?” she feels flawed. Yelling at your child, or expressing your anger physically, also causes a child to feel devalued and unloved. When you are present with your child in the moment and respond with warmth and appreciation, she will grow up feeling secure and loved.

“When parents see their children’s problems as opportunities to build the relationship instead of negative, burdensome irritations, it totally changes the nature of

parent-child interaction. Parents become more willing, even excited,

about deeply understanding and helping their children”

Stephen Covey

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs on the planet. If done well, it sets up a child to face challenges in life, achieve their full potential and display sound parenting skills as adults. Having said that, I believe that one doesn’t need to be a parent to be a kind, compassionate, emotionally balanced person. However, it’s absolutely critical to be all of these and more if you want to be a good parent. In the Indian context, becoming a parent is a socio-religious duty, not a couple’s choice, largely. So, it won’t be wrong to say that most Indians become parents not because they “want to" but “have to". There is so much community and family pressure to get married and have children but no one really understands the complexity of emotions involved in raising a child.

Children come into the world with certain basic emotional needs; the need to feel loved and the need for a positive self-esteem. As a parent, it is your job to be aware of these needs and communicate with your child in a way that will support your child’s positive growth. No one is born to become parents and that’s the reason why there is a plethora of studies, research and reading material on child development and what it takes to raise healthy (physically, mentally & emotionally) kids. Yet, many Indian parents rely on old & archaic templates on the assumption that all children are the same and by that virtue one formula works for all. After all it worked for them and their parents and their parents.

Wrong! It hasn’t worked.

Parenting is incomplete without emotional awareness and the ability to manage emotions. Fostering healthy development of your child means teaching them to learn to deal with everyday situations, build lasting and meaningful relationships and enhance personal and interpersonal growth. Looking after the basic needs of food, shelter, health and education do not constitute parenting. There is so much more to this serious business of raising a child. The people who bring a child into this world are expected to be the child’s closest allies, greatest source of love and support. Too often, however, parents do little to show this to their children. Especially, Indian parents who lack the ability to emote. To put it simply, emotional intelligence is largely absent amongst most Indians. I mean of course we are quite melodramatic and funny and prone to aggression. But that’s far from being emotionally intelligent.

It is a common understanding that emotional intelligence is about examining oneself – my emotions, my feeling, my approach to others. The typical advice often follows a similar pattern – do some soul-searching to understand yourself better, practice expressing empathy etc. People with low emotional intelligence or lack it entirely often make the mistake of only recognising and exercising their own emotional strengths. As a result, they fail to truly connect with their environment and the people around them. The most emotionally intelligent people know that in addition to understanding their own emotions, it’s important to perceive the emotions of others, and the way that their environment impacts those emotions. This is the cornerstone of success in life as according to Emotional Intelligence expert Milind Apte, “success in life depends 20% on academic and 80% on emotional intelligence.”

Therefore, there is an urgent need for parents to develop emotional intelligence not only as an instrument to hone their own personalities but to also extend empathy to their children, look at problems from a perspective beyond self-interest and find harmonious solutions to build a healthy bond with their children.

So, let’s dig in to understand what a child needs which contributes to his/her emotional well-being according to therapists, psychologists and doctoral candidates of psychology like Daniel Flint, Oakley Phoenix, Samantha Smithstein and Sarah Epstein in Psychology Today, a website that I rely on heavily for well researched and documented inputs.

WHAT EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN PARENTS LOOK LIKE?

Self-confidence & Body acceptance

Research suggests that a mother’s sense of shame and rejection of her body is closely connected to her daughter’s lack of confidence in her own body. Specifically, mothers who check in the mirror often and examine their flaws are more likely to raise daughters who do the same. It is therefore suggested that mothers need to demonstrate to their daughters that “an adult woman’s body is acceptable”.

Emotional burden-sharing & Physical comfort

Research suggests that confidence in a solid parent-child relationship may protect against emotional distress as robustly as does actual supportive physical touch. Evidence suggests that a mother’s touch adds comfort to the child’s emotional well-being. Smiles, hugs, kisses and caring words such as, “I love you” make children feel loved.

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents are pragmatic and flexible, set clear boundaries but encourage independence and employing supportive, not punitive discipline. This style of parenting is linked to the development of positive cognitive schemas – how someone thinks about herself and the world. For example, children raised by authoritative mothers were significantly less likely to hold ideas of “self” related to shame or defectiveness, social isolation, dependence on others, and external locus of control (the idea that one has minimal control over one’s life experience), which have all been linked to the development of mental and behavioural health problems.

High, but not impossible, expectations

it has been found that a mother’s belief in her child’s ability to finish schooling on time predicted the child's self-reported sense of control over her life when she was 30. It is a simple strategy of believing in your child and letting them know it. As well as holding them to a high standard so they can thank you for not settling for anything toxic or abusive or simply less.

Time

It’s well established that positive parenting behaviours are protective factors for kids against the onset of both externalising (disobedience, aggression) and internalising (anxiety, depression and other mood disorders) problems. Parents who reported frequently shopping, playing a sport, going to entertainment events, playing games, cooking and/or watching television with their kids were more likely to have children who did not exhibit either externalising or internalising symptoms. Spending time with your child communicates you care. To a child, time = attention = love. Looking up when she calls, making eye contact when she speaks and responding to her latest creation or question with interest show that she is important. Parents who invested in their child’s well-being and engaging with them in active, collaborative, fitness-related play experience an increased competency in decision-making, social awareness, relationship skills, personal responsibility and self-management skills.

Affection and Tenderness

Research show that children of dad’s who treated them affectionately as an infant scored higher on standardised measures of cognitive ability in reading and math at age 4, findings that held true regardless of ethnicity. Specifically, a dad’s frequency of kissing and hugging his child at age 2 was one of the factors loading onto a construct of “warmth” that positively predicted his kid’s scores. Kids who display symptoms of depression report they felt rejected or neglected by their parents or had a cold detached relationship with them. They also have poor communication between them. Praise communicates an appreciation of the child’s efforts, and that the child is valued. For example, telling her, “I’m proud of you for getting such a good grade”, or “I like the colours you used in your painting”, show approval and enhance her self-esteem.

Non-coercive parenting

Coercive parenting refers to a common cycle in which a parent directs a child’s behaviour, is met with refusal and increases the severity of the demand on the child, who responds with arguing, yelling or acting out until finally the parent gives up, which reinforces the initial misbehaviour. Research found that boys with mothers who employed coercive parenting experienced higher rates of conduct problems and social problems, including rejection by other children, while more positive, adapting parenting strategies helped boys develop positive social skills and a stronger sense of self.

Minimal conflict and Maximum Warmth

Warmth does not mean permissiveness or over-indulgence. Warm mothers are loving, firm, kind and invested in their child’s development. But warmth like conflict, is not a variable that is entirely under the control of a parent. But parents who work hard to minimise conflict and maximise warmth with their child are more apt to set their child up for developing healthy social skills like making friends, while lessening the child’s likelihood of engaging in such behaviour as acting out in school.

Encouraging autonomy

Modelling is an important part of positive parenting. A “do as I say, not as I do” philosophy is not a firm foundation on which to teach the next generation about life skills. Parents who maintain a trusting, attached relationship with their children aids in the fostering of self-regulation, self-control, decision-making and emotion-management skills. Conversely, mothers with antagonistic parenting practices, such as undermining and manipulation, had children who did not readily display these behaviours. Children feel respected and valued when parents acknowledge their opinions, feelings and desires. For instance, telling her, “I know it’s hard to stop playing with your Legos and take a bath”, communicates that you understand what is important to her.

Avoidance of harsh criticism

Parent’s harsh criticism of their young child, predicts symptoms of oppositional defiance. Moms who are more vocally critical are more likely to have a child who misbehaves. It is of course true that a child who misbehaves is more likely to elicit criticism but severe criticism generally doesn’t help. When parents apply harsh criticism, they do not effectively target the misbehaviour instead make the child feel that “she is bad”.

Permission to be a child

Responsible parents should be careful not to rely on their children to assuage their own psychological insecurities. Many of us have grown up with a maladaptive process called “parentification” in which a child begins to take on typical parental caregiving responsibilities and feels obliged to meet her parent’s emotional needs, such as validation. For such children, adult romantic relationship satisfaction and relationship security are lower.

Stand up for your kid

Your kid looks up to you for support and loyalty. If you fail to protect them when you see someone hurting or bullying them because of their small size or stature, they are most likely to carry this experience in to their adult life. Some learn to retaliate, while some children could become victims of toxicity & abuse and normalise it as, “I don’t deserve better.”

Lead by example

You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to try your best every day. The more effort you put allows you to become positive role-models for your kids.

All parents want the best for their children, to be successful in the game called life. This can be achieved when parents are open to reflecting on their behaviour and approach. No one is perfect. You will make mistakes or lose your temper from time to time. The important thing is to recognise those mistakes when they happen. Learn from errors and be transparent about them with your children. Not only will this set a good example, but will encourage attachment behaviours and positive relationships.

“The parent-child connection is the most powerful

mental health intervention known to mankind.”

Bessel van der Kolk