I GROOMED MYSELF

Beauty on the outside, turmoil within. This was the girl I was groomed to be. I speak for that child.

(Trigger warning #emotionalneglect#abuse#shame#guilt)

Image Courtesy: Masaaki Komori, Unsplash

I have lost count of the number of times I have written, edited, deleted and rewritten this and more importantly years, struggling to find the words I want to say. I can’t say whether it was an outcome of internalising guilt, anger and fear or just the utter hopelessness of assigning accountability to anyone else. Whichever way I put it, I can’t escape the overwhelming feelings that need to be expressed and assuaged.

I am sure many of you think that the relationship between a parent and child is just natural and definitely loving.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Humans are not hardwired to love their offspring. About half of us “hit the lottery” and end up with “great” or “good enough” parents because parents are human beings. And that means they make mistakes, yell too much, criticise more than appreciate, or do potentially damaging things to their kids – even unintentionally. But the impulse is to do better and make things right.

If you are someone who has asked yourself, “Am I a bad parent?” If you are concerned about whether you are making the right parenting choices, is a good sign, that you are not, in fact, a bad parent.

But there are some clear signs of bad parenting and the effect it has on the child. The things that are generally considered bad by anyone are physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse and sexual abuse. Alas, I come from a culture where it is acceptable to trivialise physical abuse, emotional neglect/abuse and completely deny any sexual abuse within a family group. Regardless of which country you were raised in some Indian parents still follow archaic protocols for child rearing in which emotional neglect and manipulation are a staple. If you relate to this then your kids are lucky as you will do your best to break the conditioning. However, if you are appalled and rubbish this claim as my attempt to demonise Indian parents, then I would compel you to indulge me by at least trying to understand emotional neglect.

There are many points that constitute emotional or psychological neglect. Emotional neglect is when a parent or parents fail to respond adequately to their child’s emotional needs. It often sounds like, "You are too touchy" or "Stop being such a cry-baby" Whether it is intentional disregard or the failure to recognise the child’s emotional needs, the effect is devastating. A small example of emotional neglect is a child who tells her parent/s they are upset about something that happened in school. The parent either ignores it or blames the child instead of listening and helping her cope. Over time, the child begins to learn, a) her emotional needs are not important, b) there is something wrong with her, c) she will get yelled at, criticised or in trouble for sharing.

The result is, she stops seeking support or sharing. As an adult she learns to wear masks and keeps changing the same. Her parents did not teach her how to handle her emotions, instead she was forced to learn to neglect them, and worse still is, she was shamed for expressing emotions which got bottled up surfacing later in adulthood as a vague feeling of emptiness and bad interpersonal relationships.

Here are a few more points that are indicative of emotional neglect.

• Scaring or humiliating a child regularly.

• Isolating or ignoring a child.

• Telling a child, she is worthless, inadequate or unloved.

• Not providing the child any opportunity to express her by silencing her or making fun of her.

• Age inappropriate expectations from children. For example, making a child responsible to attend to a depressed or anxious parent.

• Overreacting to her mistake.

• Preventing her from participating in an absolutely normal social interaction. For example, asking girls not to mix with boys and punishing them for doing so.

• Threatening a child and calling names.

• Not expressing positive or congratulatory feelings to the child.

• Not showing any sort of emotional attachment or interactions with the child.

• Causing physical abuse to the child.

• Trying too hard to control the child’s life and not allowing her to recognise their individuality.

Erik Erikson, a German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, has divided life into eight stages and he says that it’s during early childhood that human personality develops. Children are constantly soaking up the world around them as it imprints lasting impressions on their psyche. They are not consciously thinking of these impressions- they are soaking them up emotionally. The mind and body start to form implicit memories that get tucked away in the subconscious and greatly inform our adult life but not always to our benefit. It’s obvious that parents can’t go back in the past to fix their child’s personality issues but acknowledging their faulty parenting and listening patiently to their children who are adults now, can at least display their intent to understand the issues, offer a genuine apology and maybe show remorse without finding excuses for their behaviour.

Many people I know, including myself, have spent years feeling angry, having trouble with self-worth, communicating effectively, reacting aggressively instead of responding with equanimity, and feeling anxious. Some of this anxiety, feeling unworthy and powerless is rooted in childhood experiences. Being forbidden to express negative emotions, being shamed for feeling hurt, being gaslit – it creates issues with anger and guilt. If you were taught that anger is synonymous with being a bad person, yet saw your parents displaying it, it would be very confusing and leave you wondering if you were the terrible kid who only brought pain to their parents. "Why wasn’t I loveable enough?" "Why wasn’t I smart enough?" "Why wasn’t I ENOUGH?" are some common indicators of childhood emotional neglect. They teach us well that parents are never to blame and we hold ourselves accountable for things they did to us. I am sure that my parents never deliberately meant to harm me but their behaviour often left me feeling uncared for. I spent much of my time on my own. I was never a true loner but I couldn’t make friends easily because I didn’t believe I was likeable, let alone loveable. I felt stupid because I couldn’t remember math tables. I felt unaccomplished and an underachiever. I lived in constant fear, not knowing when and what would put me in trouble. Always managing to be in the line of fire or completely invisible to my parents. Everything was my fault according to them…and indeed it still is in my relationship with them now.

The people who have a healthy template for relationships that was handed down to them by their parents, cannot understand this. But some parents are not like those parents. In fact, they are not parents at all. You are the parental figure. You looked after them, their feelings and continue to do so. You protected them. You regulated their emotions. You made excuses for them. You loved them. But it was the love of an unhealthy parent-child dynamic. This love was laced with desperation, anxiety, duty and a constant feeling of not being good enough. If you thought you were devoted enough and loved hard enough, maybe they would love you all of the time and not just when it was convenient for them.

Unfortunately, there are too many Indian adults out there, deprived of a healthy bond with two beings who were supposed to nurture, protect and nourish them. Sure, they were in body, but never really there for their children in ways that radiated confidence, love, trust, support and appreciation for their kids. I feel sorry for such parents who missed the opportunity and continue to live their lives with complete disregard and no remorse for causing so much pain and damage to their children. But I feel empathy for children who were at the receiving end of their parent’s emotional neglect for no fault of theirs. After all they were just children and the parents were the adults.

God knows I have made mistakes and my children have forgiven me, which has shaped my relationship with them. I haven’t been too proud to admit I was wrong and my children are right. I haven’t been too proud to admit that my children have been more mature than me and have a point. And I haven’t been too proud to change and take accountability of my behaviour/words and actions that may have hurt them. More than anything, my children have been able to tell me when I have made a mistake without fear of being gaslit. When they think of safety and open conversations, they think of their mom.

This is the silver lining to my grey cloud which I can confidently appreciate my parents for. It is thanks to them that I have learnt the importance of adults apologising to children. I thank them for teaching me that parents need to earn the respect of their children and don’t deserve it just because they are parents. I thank them for teaching me that parents are responsible for their own actions, regardless of how difficult their circumstances are.

It's taken years to heal some of the broken parts of me to realise what a sweet kid I was. I found beauty within and have worked hard to diffuse the turmoil. I now recognise that I raised myself and groomed myself into the woman that I am: strong, loving, kind, trustful and confident.