BECOME YOUR OWN CHEER-LEADER

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Neglect can be a hard thing to put your finger on, especially emotional neglect. Neglected children often don’t realise they are being neglected at the time, and can internalise the pain and loneliness and think it is their fault. They are often told they are “too sensitive” or “selfish” if they try to get their needs met. Parents with little empathy often neglect their children and don’t even realise it, while there are also parents who don’t care. Either way, the children grow up wondering about their own self-worth and value.

Tara came to me when she turned 40. Her birthday was just around the corner and she needed help with the restlessness she felt every year around her birthday. She seemed to believe that she is being difficult and making it tough for her husband and children by just not being happy, despite all the surprises and celebrations that they so lovingly plan for her. Her constant crib was, “I don’t deserve to be happy.” That did not mean that she didn’t want to be happy and “normal”, but she just didn’t feel good enough. As we interacted regularly, I discovered that her first marriage ended in divorce and she blamed herself for the things she did 12 years ago. Her first marriage was borne out of her lack of emotional stability and the need to escape from her troubles at home. Troubles that she believed were solely her doing. She faced physical and emotional abuse early in her marriage but believed it to be her fault. She was miserable and succumbed to love from outside, which made things worse for her. She was finally able to walk out of her marriage and found shelter in her parent’s home. It didn't feel right to her and she was constantly trying to live-up to her parents expectations while being a Through these tough times, they emotionally abused her. At that time she didn’t realise it because everything was her fault anyway. She was not a good person or daughter or mother or wife. So basically, her life was a series of bad decisions and she felt worthless.

Bruce Perry, an authority on brain development, has done pioneering research in this area. His research shows that a child’s brain develops in sequence, just like other aspects of physical development. Perry says that the sensitive brain of an infant or young child is malleable. Powerful experiences alter the functioning of an adult brain, but for children, powerful or traumatic events may change its framework. He has seen adult clients who were neglected, and most have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and significant trauma to resolve.

If there was a lack of emotional attachment in childhood, this also affects relationships later in life and can make it difficult to trust others. Fear is often expressed and felt without always understanding why.

Tara displayed all the signs of childhood neglect and absence of emotional attachment. She remembers being a happy, confident 5- year- old. After that it’s all a blur. She can’t remember “happy” moments from her childhood. She only remembers some episodes and events as a kid and straightaway jumps to her follies as a teenager. The mistakes she made, the things she is not proud of etc. She grew up with little encouragement, especially from her mother and constant comparison with her older sibling or outsiders.

Young children naturally have a playful and curious spirit about them. Sometimes it is fun just to watch them innocently explore the world around them. But if children are not properly attended to, this spirit can be squashed and damaged. Many times, parents who are neglectful also use shame and humiliation when the child attempts to get their love and approval. The child may eventually stop trying, and the loneliness that follows may actually be easier to deal with than shame, humiliation or neglect.

Tara became reticent and unhappy. She stopped talking or sharing, fearing that she will be made fun of or criticised or scolded. She withdrew and became a very quiet and under-confident girl for the rest of her life.

Alice Miller, the late Swiss psychologist, said, “We don’t yet know, above all, what the world might be like if children were to grow up without being subjected to humiliation, if parents would respect them and take them seriously as people.”

Using authoritarian parenting and shaming children into submission might be the easiest way to parent, but it’s also the most damaging. Ignoring or neglecting a child’s need can create many mental health problems, which affect the rest of his or her life.

How, for example, can a child grow up knowing how to provide empathy and nurturing if they were never taught? If children are loved and treated well, they don’t grow up wanting to hurt others; they grow up wanting to help and respect others, and with the ability to provide empathy.

If you are an adult who was emotionally neglected, please know that you can find your true sense of self and worthiness. You don’t have to take counsel from the wounded parents who treated you badly. You can define yourself, and live and model a different kind of life and parenting style with your own children. This starts with working on your personal pain and getting it processed. Don’t do it alone; get help when needed and don’t minimise the pain. You may think it is too selfish or self-absorbed to discuss your feelings, but they will catch up to you in the long run.

Tara did exactly that and it’s been 5 years since her 40th birthday. She is learning to love and respect herself. She hit rock bottom many times during the process. She discovered the traumatic events that she had experienced as a child and how her brain had suppressed those experiences as an act of self-preservation. But they marred her perception of herself and the world she grew up in, that made her do things and take decisions that changed her life for the worse. After expressing her deep-rooted pain and shame, she is learning to forgive herself and her primary caregivers. She realises the loss she suffered and how her life could have been different had she had more understanding, supportive and caring parents. But, she understands that they are broken too and hence, they didn’t know any better.

As Alice Miller said, “I have never known a patient to portray his parents more negatively than he actually experienced them in childhood but always more positively-because idealisation of his parents was essential for survival.” She added, “Wherever I look, I see signs of the commandment to honour one’s parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of a child.”

Take a moment to think about how it feels when someone truly believes in you and validates your needs and feelings. Learn to do the same for yourself and be your own hero.