What will be YOUR story?

Image Courtesy: Andrew Neel, Unsplash.com

It's been two years this June since I began writing about all the things that are important to me. It has been gratifying both personally and professionally that motivates me to keep at it. These words that I leave in the digital world will continue to enlighten, entertain and educate readers long after I am gone. Talking of gone, I often discuss my mortality with myself. I understand that it is terrifying to acknowledge our permanent non-existence and therefore we keep it cloistered away. Our self-preservation kicks in and we tell ourselves that death comes in very old age, rather than a constant possibility for us as fragile humans. No more is this possibility more apparent than the current environment we are in dealing with an invisible enemy that can attack us from anywhere leaving us mildly or gravely ill or worse. It prompted me to search for some self-portraits that could be framed. But beyond this it got me thinking about how I would like to be remembered beyond a pretty face. So here I am putting together another piece for you to think about.

Marilyn Monroe’s wall vault at Westwood Village memorial Park in L.A. receives flowers and lipstick kisses from her devoted fans – an acknowledgment of her lovable persona that disappeared too soon.

People leave decks of cards on Houdini’s grave in Machpelah Cemetery, in Queen’s, NY – a nod to the magician’s simple gift of astonishment.

At Elvis’s grave-site in Memphis, its teddy bears. They are a song and a transitional object, like the man himself.

People leave whale-related tokens on the grave of Herman Melville, in reference to the author’s most famous work, Moby Dick.

These are tokens to high-level artistic accomplishment, but they are mere symbols. Mind you, I am all for honoring accomplished men and women through objects that are closely associated with them. But I believe the best token of remembrance would ideally be a good fit between the personal contribution of the deceased and the value of the giver. Like, maple leaves at the tombstone of former Canadian Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson in Wakefield, Quebec. He gave Canada a new flag, replacing the red British emblem with the maple-leaf – a symbol of identity of a budding nation, free from Mum’s apron strings. Another example is Ho Chi Minh, the Vietnamese leader who guided his people against Japan in the Second World War. He gave Vietnam independence from Japan, France and the United States, which is memorialized by renaming Vietnam’s principal city from Saigon to Ho Chi Minh City.

Of course, not everyone can boast of such larger-than-life achievements and thinking about one’s own death doesn’t make it pleasant either.

Quoting Bruce Grierson from his article called “What will be your potato?” reflects, “Now, there is a time to think about how you will be remembered, and a time not to think about it, as Ecclesiastes almost said. The current circumstances seem a ripe to think about it. Studies show that the more under siege we feel, the more we tend to want to hunker down and pull our values over top of us like a lead blanket. After we are gone, those values – the example of our life as demonstrated by our choices – will be all that’s left of us. Some people find the whole idea of “legacy thinking” suspicious. It can look like a calculating dodge. Who hasn’t heard of the billionaire who made a dirty fortune and is now, late in life, writing a huge check to a university or a hospital, trying to put himself on the right side of “karma”?”

But that’s not where I am coming from when I think about legacy. I am referring to leaving behind stuff that sparks a joy in people when they remember me. Contrary to popular belief where legacy is thought of in terms of wealth or property we pass on to our survivors. It is actually the intangible values, beliefs or attitudes that we transmit. Often the intangible legacies are more valuable than money or property because they can guide one’s life.

“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.”

While the origins of this thought are highly contested, the point it makes is most relevant in the context of passing on wisdom that will serve people well in their lives.

My spiritual guide, for example, always told me to be a “no-nonsense person”. What it taught me was being someone who means what you say and says what you mean, not afraid to speak the truth, maintain high standards for the people you choose to be around, not afraid to leave behind those who cannot meet them, nobody should mess with you, become open to constructive feedback and be a feminist. His legacy served me well to come into my own after years of struggling with low self-esteem. It was his empowering belief that he passed on to me and it changed my life forever. It is this kind of legacy that cannot be replaced by money or property. Because wealth and gifts may be lost but beliefs or values live on forever.

I write about death because research suggests that thinking about our own death makes us better people in life. In a 2015 study in Psychological Science, Columbia University psychologist Lisa Zaval found that subjects who had been primed to reflect on how they’d like to remembered gave more generously to an environmental cause. Pondering over our own demise tends to kindle an interest in leaving the world a bit better for future generations.

Of course, the idea of legacy is daunting, especially if you shy away from talking openly about your mortality. But at another level it’s discomforting to realize that my contribution to the universe is not a world-changing creation or idea or theory or song like Houdini, Elvis, Monroe or Melville. Like most mortals I will leave a more modest legacy that doesn’t necessarily change the world but does leave a lasting footprint that will be remembered by those whose lives I have touched. I hope my life matters in some way. I know I do. I have been counseling for the past 8 years and writing for the past 2. Improving mental health and changing perspectives is my legacy. My contribution hopefully enlightens the lives of many who come to me or read my articles and go on to become self-reflective and happier human beings. My empathy is a gift that keeps on giving because it leads me to other learning and knowing experiences that I share with others.

My other legacy is my two beautiful children: a daughter and a son. I hope I am fully present to partake in their lives and hopefully of their children. I also hope that I leave behind a legacy as a "no-nonsense" mother, a sensible daughter, a kind sister, a loving spouse, a loyal friend and a creative mind in general.

So, what will be YOUR story, is simply asking what will you do in life that will elicit more than a “She was a good person”? What I am really thinking of is what will make people say that she stood for this thing or that thing or what do you want to be remembered as most? Courageous? Caring? Daring? Encouraging? Helpful? Think of it as a summary that will feature in your obituary, remembered “in loving memory” and a little extra.

I guess it is never too early or the wrong time to consider musing over your death and what you want to leave behind. I am at that age where I attend more cremations (of folks who belong to my parent’s generation) than births but how old I am or you are doesn’t mean a thing because we can’t predict the future. So since we can’t why not be prepared to live each day as though you might die tomorrow, choose your legacy of how you want to be remembered and set out to achieve it.

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” – Shannon L. Alder