Setting Boundaries is an act of respect

Image Courtesy: Duong Chung, Unsplash.com

In the family I grew up in, love was rarely said aloud. Hugging and kissing was rationed. Criticism came easier than praise. The self-esteem movement hadn’t yet begun. Even if my parents did know about it, they considered it unseemly to tell me that I was a wonderful, smart or special child. Getting good grades was the only thing worthy of praise and that too came at a rebate with questions about not fairing too well in another subject or aiming higher next time. It’s like they were scared to not let get little achievements get to my head and what if I stopped trying harder. Did my parents love me?

What is love? It is a positively valenced term used for things that we feel attached to and fond of. We can love humanity, our country, our dog, money; a new set of clothes, our car, ourselves, our spouse, our children. I don’t know how attached my parents felt to me. I am glad that they weren’t so attached that they had difficulty letting me out of their sight. They certainly cared for me and seemed to give me a comfortable life. So, yes, I suppose they loved me.

But what I would have felt most grateful for, far beyond love/attachment is, RESPECT. And as part of respect, trusting me. They never seemed to believe that I had good judgment and needed to watch over me and advise me. I think my parent’s lack of belief that I was responsible and trustworthy became self-fulfilling prophecies for me. It reflected in some of my decisions that I wasn’t proud of. And because they always offered unsolicited advice, I never asked them for advice when I needed it.

Wholesome relationships require the existence of both love and respect, but if I had to choose one or the other, I would choose respect.

Respect is absolutely essential for any relationship to work. A relationship without respect is dangerous; it can crush the other person, sometimes literally. To respect is to understand that the other person is not you, not an extension of you, not a reflection of you, not your toy, not your pet, not your product. It is to understand the other person as a unique individual. The lack of respect renders a relationship hollow.

And respect comes from knowing your boundaries.

“Boundaries give a sense of agency over one’s physical space, body and feelings,” says Jenn Kennedy, a therapist. “We all have limits, and boundaries communicate that line.”

"We have all seen the signs that read, “No Trespassing – Violators Will Be Prosecuted”, which sends a clear message that if you violate that boundary and cross the line, there will be a consequence. Personal boundaries are just like the “No Trespassing” sign, define where you end and others begin and are determined by the amount of physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others. Personal boundaries help you decide what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable,"explains Terri Cole in her article Setting and Enforcing Healthy Boundaries.

Many of us have never taken enough time to truly know and feel what we do and don’t want in our lives and relationships. It takes time to be clear what feels “right” for us and what doesn’t. Affirming our needs and converting them into tangible personal boundaries is sacred work that begins with self-reflection.

When I started my practice of being a counselor, like many beginners, I wanted people to feel better and to solver their own dilemmas. I thought I was being helpful by involving myself in their problems and treating them like they were my own. I was not recognizing that I had poor boundaries. The reason was complex and in part had to do with seeking validation for my work as a reflection of my identity. Simply put, I was confusing who I am with what I do.

First, I had to affirm my own needs. I began by looking at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I evaluated my need for belonging and acceptance, examined how well I have satisfied my need to self-respect. So the question was, to what extent was my boundary helping or hindering the fulfillment of my need? I realized that I went beyond my comfort zone to accommodate others to be a good counselor. I did not set a cut-off limit for myself and disengage with people who kept pushing me because I judged my counseling skills on the basis of people’s opinion over self-confidence in my ability. And when I did not receive the acknowledgment, it made me doubt my skills even more, and gave rise to a secondary emotion of resentment for the person I was trying to help. Luckily, these unhealthy interactions were on an online chat forum, so I had the excuse of bad internet connection to wriggle out of this self-created drama.

But it made space for me to self-reflect on my personal boundaries to help maintain a positive self-concept. I could then take better care of myself and not allow other people to define my counseling skills or me. I decided that setting healthy boundaries was important if I want to continue being a counselor. I had to maintain the boundary between anonymous members seeking online help for free and myself.

How did I do that?

Trust and self-belief – I had to recognize that I was the highest authority on myself. I also acknowledged my own feelings of disappointment with myself for allowing other’s to get under my skin. It wasn’t their fault; I was responsible for absence or a weak personal boundary.

My needs and feelings are as important as other people’s needs and feelings – this was a tough one for me to learn for my social conditioning of always putting other people first.

Learn to say no – I recognized my feelings and saw how it made me feel frustrated at times and at times violated. I found myself accepting every chat request. I also recognized my inability to accept that I was incapable of handling certain areas of counseling.

Recognize how to set limits – Once I recognized what was causing me to feel overwhelmed, drained or simply bad, I worked on what I needed to say to them. I decided to tell them that my role is to listen without judgment and advice. When they shared something beyond my scope, I expressed my inability to help them. I even acknowledged their pain but suggested to seek help from someone else who would be better qualified to help them.

Get grounded – there are two things that happened often when I didn’t create a personal boundary as a counselor: 1. I experienced backlash from the other person and 2. I felt guilty. But recognizing and communicating limits to my expertise freed me from feeling bad about not being an effective counselor. Even the backlash is more contained now.

Take care of myself – I do things to re-center myself on occasions when a backlash does happen. I physically remove from myself from my workstation. Spend a few minutes doing something else without spending too much energy focusing on what happened.

If all these steps seem like a tedious and time-consuming prescription to you, you are not alone. Even today there are events and moments when I forget to follow or act on my personal boundaries. I attend to a late night call at the cost of my sleep. I put my time for exercise on the back-burner to help a friend. But at least I am more mindful and don’t end up feeling drained or overwhelmed at losing sight of my limits.

"Establishing healthy boundaries in a relationship allows you and the other person to feel comfortable and develop positive self-esteem. In order to establish boundaries, you first need to be clear about who you are, what you want, your beliefs and values, and your limits. A lot of time, we tend to focus on adjusting to others, taking time away from focusing on ourselves. Acknowledging that and setting boundaries that reflect who you are will only enhance setting boundaries for others as well," says Kendra Cunov in her article The Connection Between Love and Boundaries.

You have to respect yourself enough to let other’s read your “No Trespassing” sign. The next time you feel upset about being treated badly, feel used or if someone behaves inappropriately with you or in some way violates your boundaries, remember:

“You get what you tolerate”

-Henry Cloud