Setting boundaries is an act of love

Photo Courtesy: Markus Spiske, Unsplash.com

Your identity is who you think you are today, and what you think you need from others such as respect, recognition, care, love etc. Your needs emerge from your ego identity, which was formed based on what you discovered would help you survive and thrive. You found out what might help you be seen and recognized, or what could you be good at that made you feel worthwhile. You identified what brought you happiness, what limits you could push or what lines you would not cross.

On the shadow side, the rejection or violation of your need may trigger a range of emotions like fear, anger, vengeful, sadness or disappointment. My need for recognition and feeling valued helps me write. When this need doesn’t get materialized I sometimes react by saying, “I don’t like this”, expressing my disappointment and sometimes I tell myself, “I am going to find a way to get it”, that works as fuel to keep me determined.

Hence, your mind is always plotting to get what you need. It is also busy concocting rationalizations to explain our reactions to our unmet needs. Therefore, you are needy. I am needy. Everyone you know is needy. We all want to be seen, understood, cared for, and valued for what we offer.

Yet this reality doesn’t have to control our feelings, thoughts and behavior. I am referring specifically to one relationship where our needs control our feelings, thoughts and behavior – romantic relationships.

Here are some of things that I hear often when counseling young adults:

“I am the one always apologizing, even when it’s not my fault.”

“I bought time to submit a work report to attend to a maintenance problem in his flat.”

“I ditched my girlfriends to go out with him at the last minute.”

“I can never tell her how upset I was with her because she will stress, I will feel stressed with seeing her stressed and it will be one big mess.”

These are all signs when your need to feel worthy is defined by the person you are dating. You become either too accommodating or give more than you get. You may act out of your own insecurities, seeking validation or discounting the partner’s hurtful behavior. You either forget or ignore your personal boundaries. Almost like you lose yourself in the relationship and focus only on making your partner stay, whatever be the cost.

Most would think that they would know it, if they were losing themselves. But, by the very nature of losing one’s self, you won’t see it coming when it happens. That is the reason I write this because there is a fine line between loosing the boundary of where your partner stops and where you start.

Boundaries are everywhere and they keep us safe and healthy. In a romantic relationship the “things” that belong to you are not tangible and hence harder to follow. It is not easy to know when our partner or you are crossing lines. You are so overwhelmed and consumed by “love” that you forget to check-in with who you are and what behavior (ours or our partner’s) is working or not working.

Drawing from my experience, I have put together, with help from an article by Kris Gage, on some boundaries that need to me maintained by both parties in-love:

IT IS OKAY TO HAVE EMOTIONS

Emotions are healthy. They make us humans, and love, in particular, makes our lives more worthwhile.

IT IS NOT OKAY TO ASSUME ALL YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID

Just because you feel a thing doesn’t mean it’s reasonable or rational.

Nobody is trying to take your emotional experience away – certainly, as emotions come up, look at them, honor them, and filter appropriately. But sometimes filtering means understanding what’s healthy and what’s not.

Your insecurity, for example, is first and foremost yours to manage or if you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells doesn’t mean you are in the right and they are in the wrong.

IT IS OKAY TO HAVE EMOTIONAL NEEDS

You are healthy for having emotional needs-we all do. We all need to feel important and cherished in our own lives; we all need a degree of reassurance to operate and make things happen. That’s okay.

IT IS NOT OKAY TO EXPECT OTHERS TO FULFILL ALL OF THEM

What crosses the line is when you dump all of your emotional expectations on other people.

There is a difference, for example, between wanting him to text if he is running late, and expecting him to text everyday because you are insecure or anxious. And you might counter that with a “how will I know he’s thinking about me?” Use your own rationale and self-worth to answer that question.

It is unhealthy if you expect your partner to make you feel beautiful and blame them when you don’t.

It is needy if they are your primary source for comforting, reassurance, and affirmation.

Most emotional needs are for you to address, not for others to “soothe” externally. When in doubt, self-manage first.

IT’S OKAY IF YOU WANT CLARITY

Is this a thing or isn’t it? Are we committed and exclusive, or just having fun? Are your feelings mutual, or unrequited? These are fair things to wonder.

IT IS NOT OKAY TO PUSH FOR ANSWERS

It’s not fair to have the “what are we?” conversation from a position of emotional bullying and coercion. What they want is just as important as what you want, even if what you want looks more like the “societal norm” you had in your head.

IT IS OKAY TO WANT TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP

Wanting to discuss what your relationship might look like in the future is normal. It’s healthy to admit that you have thoughts going forward, and how you’d like your partner to fit in.

IT IS NOT OKAY TO DICTATE THAT TIMELINE

Your partner has right to their vision of the future just as much as you have a right to yours. A little compromise may be needed on both your behalves to keep the pace – but you certainly don’t get to veto their timeline for the future and replace it entirely with yours.

IT IS OKAY FOR ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT

Telling someone what you are looking for is commendable. Not playing games is refreshing.

IT IS NOT OKAY TO EXPECT EVERYONE TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT

Just because you want to define the relationship, put a label to it, and/or talk about the long term, doesn’t mean these are the “right” things to want. Coming at these discussions from a position of “I want this – you should too!” is neither fair nor healthy.

IT IS OK TO EXPECT COMPROMISE

Negotiating and meeting halfway is important – and healthy.

IT IS NOT OKAY TO EXPECT THE ONLY COMPROMISE TO COME FROM THEM

It also isn’t fair to harbor imbalanced ideas of compromise – like thinking you have “earned” them defining the relationship before they wanted, simply because you went to that bar they like, with those friends you hate, that one time.

IT IS OKAY TO WANT TO LOVE – AND FEEL LOVED

Wanting to feel loved, respected and acknowledged are universal human needs.

IT IS NOT OKAY TO DEMAND LOVE FROM – AND DUMP YOUR LOVE INTO – SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO LOVE YOU BACK

It’s not reasonable to think your needs run the show, and that includes the love you receive.

Thinking that “persuasion” means continuing to do so – and imposing your own objectives and needs while running over theirs is not healthy. Giving or wanting love isn’t needy. But demanding anything-especially love or commitment-in return always is.

A. H Almas says in his book, The Unfolding Now, “As we become more attuned to what is happening in our experience, our capacity to understand ourselves at increasingly subtler levels continues to develop.” You can learn to establish boundaries and also understand the nuances that trigger a reaction when the boundary is crossed.

I have my work cutout to share more about setting boundaries in a romantic relationship, as well as coping with unmet needs to thrive in your relationship. Till then spend some time connecting with yourself at a deeper level to differentiate between yourself and your partner as two distinct beings not two blurred entities as one.