Setting boundaries is an act of kindness

Have you ever wondered why different people react differently to the things you say and do? Maybe you told your friends a story that made them laugh, but found that the same story was upsetting to your parents. Maybe you posed a question to someone at work and they got offended. What caused them to react so differently? The answer has something to do with a tricky concept called boundaries.

Personal boundaries are a baffling idea to us Indians. Our way of life relies on social interdependence. We are born into groups-families, clans, sub castes, castes, and religious communities – and feel a deep sense of inseparability from these groups. People are deeply involved with others. So it’s really hard for us to make the distinction between involvement and intrusiveness.

This Holi, my daughter had invited a few friends over to the house. Personally, I steer clear from playing Holi as much as a vampire avoids daylight. Nevertheless, I helped her plan for the event and looked forward to her friends making most of backyard and splash pool. The deal was to let them enjoy, while I managed the kitchen. How nice you must think I am? Of course I am. But the real reason to volunteer playing co-hostess was to restrict kids from accidentally staining the house with color. The guests finally started to arrive and to my pleasant surprise a few of them shared my sentiment about simply doing the ritual of putting gulal. Nothing more. There were others who came armed with Holi equipment, ready to play. The group was clearly divided into un-Holi and full-on Holi players. So I am sipping my glass of wine, chatting with normal looking people, enjoying the peaceful surroundings and then WHOOSH! A bucket of water was unleashed on two of us. I couldn’t believe it. I stood up and walked inside to show my displeasure. When I finally went back outside, the boy justified his action at the cost of making me appear unreasonable. At which point I had to tell him that he needs to respect boundaries.

Such incidents are one among many that we have all faced.

If you were flying say, Delhi to Mumbai, a fellow traveler smiles and introduces himself. You reciprocate but it doesn’t end there. It would be followed up by the question: “Are you from Delhi?” And if your reply is that you are from Mumbai, then you would have to narrate the history of your life; where you were born, where did you study, what is your profession, your marital status, the number of children you have, what they were doing, what brought you to Delhi and which part of Mumbai you lived in.

To some these are just innocuous questions, to pass time. It is a way of making small talk. These interrogations are not ok. Being curious about our life is not ok. But to most Indians making it our business in other people’s personal affairs is a favorite hobby. There is nothing wrong with small talk. In fact, linguistics professor William Foley, from the University of Sydney say, “Mastering the art of small talk can make you feel comfortable in any social situation – from lunch with the boss to a cocktail party, where you are a complete stranger. Small talk functions as a low-threat way to make connections with people. It’s about elegantly starting, sustaining, and ending a dialogue with strangers or acquaintances.”

But talking doesn’t mean you talk about anything and everything. And knowing when to stop is what boundaries are about.

To the uninitiated, boundary is a line, which makes the limits of an area or a sporting term. The idea that personal boundaries are a moveable, intangible and sensitive that surrounds a person that other people cannot invade is preposterous! After all, we are simply being friendly when we ask personal questions on marital status, kids, weight, salary or why someone has acne.

As Indians, we have very porous boundaries. The lines between oneself and others, in family and even at work, are fuzzy. This is why many of our relationships swing between the doormat and bulldozer syndromes. We are accommodating to a fault, ever so flexible and nice. Or we display a strong sense of entitlement, ever conscious of our needs, but frequently unaware of the needs of others.

The weakest link for most of us in setting boundaries is that we never learned to set boundaries. We have all grown up with pressures of being “seen” or “doing” what Sharma aunty will think of us. If we didn’t care, then we were being selfish and uncaring about our family’s feelings. So we disregard our beliefs and replace it with what others expect from us. And we pass on this way of life from one generation to another. So setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill that many of us don’t learn.

Why?

In a culture fraught with pleasing others and striving to always be likeable, it is hard to learn and set boundaries. Our identities are often tied up in how much we are doing for people. The part of life that requires us to welcome uninvited visitors to our homes (even though we grumble about it behind their back), make sure that we never disagree with relatives (because its disrespectful) or throw a lavish wedding party for 500 guests (some of whom we have interacted with only once in our lifetime). It’s a double whammy for us Indians where we emphasis such norms of self-sacrifice. We are always under pressure to over-perform because of gender, cultural or religious norms.

Don’t get me wrong about dissing sacrifice all together since some sacrifices are necessary to achieve success or maintain fulfilling relationships. But giving and “giving in” is not the same thing. What we give, demonstrates what we care about. What we “give in” to shows a lack of self-respect.

So if you are someone who ends up self-sacrificing on a regular basis that leaves you feeling drained, undervalued or disappointed, then chances are you haven’t set a cut-off limit to what is acceptable to you and what is not. If you are someone who keeps giving a lot of yourself and yet feel ignored when you need help or allow others to determine what you  like, where you are going or who you are, are signs of unhealthy or lack of personal boundaries.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” Brene Brown

Therefore, learning how to establish healthy boundaries is an important step for our emotional and mental well being. In order to achieve this, we must learn to identify and respect our rights and needs; and become skilled at actively and assertively taking care of ourselves in relationships. This process allows our true self to emerge, and healthy boundaries become the fences that keep us safe.

So before I list out some of the advantages of setting personal boundaries let me begin with saying that it's not selfish to prioritize yourself. In fact, the outcome of prioritizing yourself leads to a fulfilling life with meaningful connections with friends, family and at work.

Here are a few great things that happen when you learn to set your own limits:

• You become more mindful. You recognize the need for a healthy separation between your thoughts and feelings and the thoughts and feelings of others.

• You become a better friend or partner. Boundaries make it possible to allow yourself to recharge. And when you are not totally tapped out, you have more energy to devote to the ones you love.

• You take better care of yourself. You are able to prioritize your own well being.

• You become less stressed. Without boundaries, you open yourself up to the risk of taking on everyone’s problems in addition to your own. Or worse, you ignore your own happenings entirely.

• You become a better communicator. Boundaries enable you to state what you can or cannot do. You are more clear and concise keeping ambiguity at bay.

• You become less angry. Not having boundaries gives other people the power over your own life. Letting people get away with things that are not okay makes you more resentful and angry.

• You learn how to say “no”.

• You end up doing things you actually want to do.

• You become more understanding. Isn’t it logical that when you are compassionate towards yourself and what you can tolerate, you are better able to express that to other people who have their own boundaries they want to follow?

A more meaningful life, a warm personality and better relationships all because you set up healthy limits for yourself? It doesn’t sound like a bad deal at all.