Lessons From My Father

Image Courtesy: Mark Williams, Unsplash.com

I have to remind myself every now and then of my father's age because he truly represents that "age is just a number" adage. I believe he is making it the most enjoyable decade of his life by not shrinking but expanding his mental life and perspective. It is fascinating to know that he can take a long view of history and experience of life not just his own life, but of others' too. He has witnessed personal and global triumphs and tragedies, booms and bursts, revolutions and wars, inventions and ambiguities for a few decades short of a century. Yet, he doesn't think of his old age as grim or something that one must endure, but as a time of leisure and freedom, released from the urgencies of earlier days, free to explore whatever he wishes, and to bind the thoughts, memories and feelings of a lifetime together. It's rare and admirable, which inspires me to try and capture a small part I know about the man I call Papa through the things he conveyed.

Worry about your effort not the result

During World War II, President Dwight Eisenhower was the supreme commander of the allied forces. When he gave marching orders to his troops for 6th June, he realized that despite strategizing and training, the success of the allied invasion depended on the weather across the English channel-their success essentially rested on something beyond their control. After all his efforts, he could not control the outcomes – he let go of the outcomes. In the Bhagvad Gita, Lord Krishna instructed Arjun, “set thy heart upon thy work but never it’s reward”. And the Buddha counseled his followers to lower their expectations in order to achieve happiness, a belief that is not without proof in the hurly-burly world we live in.

The philosophy is as old as the Gods but it doesn’t make it any less potent to a 10th grade girl, panicking over Physics for her final board exams. The memory is as clear as day, sitting at my grand old study table and the table lamp shining on the text book. I kept hoping for a straight forward question paper. It was the same despair when i looked at my Chemistry and Maths syllabus.

It came out of nowhere, a soft voice telling me, “all you can do is your best. As long as you believe of giving it your 100%, don’t worry about the result.” Those reassuring words from my father were enough to calm my anxieties down then. What it meant to me then and now is that “just give it your best”, because as long as you keep trying, no matter what the outcome, at least I am doing my best. Additionally, shifting my focus from what I can’t control to what I can do, decreases anxiety and increases productivity. Or that’s what he hoped I would extract from his reassurance. Much to my delight and his horror, I self-proclaimed my preparedness and shut my books. You see I  had done as much as I had understood (which wasn’t much).

I did pass but here is my advice to all those who tell someone to "give it their best". Sit with them to understand how they have tried to figure out and if there is another way to approach the issue. Basically, it is a collaborative process to move forward effectively, instead of “try harder and you’ll get it”, which is often misleading. The aim should be to support your kid/teammate/partner in finding another strategy if they are stuck, not just their effort. They don’t need to redouble their efforts with the same ineffective strategies.

Money can buy you happiness

Even though parents drill the idea into their kids their entire life that money can’t buy happiness; I believe it is true only in part. My father worked tirelessly to cater to his family’s basic needs. Even though he never said it out loud, I do believe he associated money with comfort, success and power. After all he paid for my education, travel, health and providing a privileged life. I can’t imagine how any of it would have been possible without his love for moolah and all that it could buy to live comfortably, travel the world and provide for all the opportunities to his children that he missed out on.

He is the perfect, frugal financial role model when it comes to balancing your wants and needs and saving for a “rainy day”. His values unknowingly helped me learn the meaning of money, determine what and what not to spend it on and understand the importance of saving. He learnt the lesson of being financially independent the hard way and drilled it into his children to aim at supporting themselves. Apart from the sense of achievement one would get to be financially independent, the freedom that one gets to do the things in life one wants to without having to ask permission is a great motivator.

Dad also showed the importance of assisting those less fortunate and aiding causes you care about with your financial resources and time. I remember his annual ritual of sending new year greeting cards to friends and family created by cry foundation. Thanks to him, I learned that I don’t need to make a fortune to make an impact on the less fortunate.

So money is pretty significant to do the things that make us happy. So then it’s not wrong to believe that it’s a means and an end.

Recently, he has shaken off his frugal mindset and replaced it with “spend on what you love”. He can afford to do it now, after following the discipline to save so that he can now spend without worrying.

Spare the rod and the child

There is a big difference between punishment and discipline. For those who raised their children believing “spare the rod and spoil the child” should apologize to their kids. Luckily for me, my father never adopted this approach. Whenever mom was at a loss to control me, he only had to give me a stern look and a short lecture on behavior that usually resulted in an apology to my mother. But as I grew up and my mother used the “wait until your father gets home” or “ask your father” statements, I still perceived my father as the good cop knowing that mom’s rule rules. It had mostly to do with mother’s bearing the burden as the tough disciplinarian who insisted on manners, respect and rules and father’s as the lenient one.

I don’t believe that it was gender roles that created this divide but more to do with differing styles of parenting that caused some conflict of interest between my parents. So naturally, the pacifist who in this case was my father stayed in the background for most part, stepping in only when “shit hit the roof”.

Either way, I was glad to be spared of any spanking from him.

Failure is a good teacher

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice saying, “I will try again tomorrow” – Mary Anne Radmacher

This is absolutely true of my father, who went through many financial setbacks but never gave up. From embarking on a thriving career in journalism that was tragically cut short because of unfortunate circumstances to many failed business ventures, he continued to move forward. His mistakes cost him financially and emotionally but he never allowed himself to wallow in self-pity. It’s an important lesson particularly in business because he undoubtedly got knocked down a few times. But he was determined not to be counted out, picking himself up and keep fighting.

Tough as things were with everything that an entrepreneur can expect, deals that went wrong, partnerships that soured, leeches and vultures all around, dad relentlessly kept at it with boundless energy and hunger for success. He made enough money and more and single-handedly created a mini empire. Even when he was at his lowest, he picked himself up and I thank him for this valuable lesson that served me well too.

Potatoes make everything better

“Only two things in this world are too serious to be jested on, potatoes and matrimony” is an Irish saying that probably comes from king Fredrick’s II quirky contribution of “old fritz” that saved countless lives when a famine hit Europe in the 1770s. Today, many visitors honor the King by laying a potato on the granite headstone on his grave in Germany.

But it wasn't so before for this grubby-looking object with a bad reputation for its ugly looks bearing resemblance to plants in the nightshade family, hinting that it was the creation of witches or devils. Russian’s even went so far as to call them the “devil’s apples”.

Eventually the potato edged its way into the European and North American diet as a brilliant solution to the perennial food problems of the poor, the army, the jails, the orphanages and the insane asylums. Although it’s a shame the perception lasted so long, because the little brown stalwart is so adaptable. It can be grown in various environments and forms the basis of a plethora of meals. Potatoes are also packed with vitamins, minerals, fiber and 60 different kinds of phytochemicals. So what Fredrick did, raised the spud’s standing in Prussia from unholy to sinfully delicious and thank god for his tactical genius to get farmers to grow potatoes. If not for him the world would have been deprived of a staple crop that ranks #4 in the world today, trailing wheat, rice and maize.

I associate this dietary gold with my father who absolutely loves potatoes. Ask him and he will tell you, “baked, mashed, fried, roasted, cooked or boiled – it matters not - the potato makes any meal better”. So go ahead and eat potatoes. They are good for you.

“Keep the circus going inside you, keep it going,

Don’t take anything too seriously, it’ll all work out in the end.”

This quote by David Niven perfectly sums up my dad’s philosophy of life and a good way to wrap up this piece honoring my Papa and what makes him special.

When you go to the circus, the act you look forward to is the one with the clowns. They make sure you laugh and have a good time. It is hard not to appreciate their ability to make life a comedy and I thank my dad for always making a joke, sharing a laugh and doing something silly to spread cheer.

His penchant for finding joy in simple things that can bring a ray of sunshine in otherwise humdrum of life is admirable too. Finding joy included pulling pranks on neighbors in his younger days, which turned into clownish tricks for his children. Some of those he continues to do, where out of the blue he will break into a funny song in a high-pitched nasal voice or use colloquialisms to send us into peels of laughter. His sense of humor always attracted him to quirky props, like a colorful wig or a scary mask or a funny quote on a t-shirt. He has the art of making fun of himself, specifically about his baldness, being henpecked and now about his teeth with the sole aim of making people laugh. After all, laughter is the best medicine that improves health by easing stress, acting like a shock absorber to cope better with mundane routines, hassles and irritations. All we need is to keep the child in us alive to make a joke, be naughty or pull a prank.

Lastly, I wouldn’t even try matching up to all that he has done for me except tell him to "Stay Cool & Fun" and everyday when you look in the mirror remember "I'm too Sexy!" by Right Said Fred.