I changed and so did my friendships. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Image Courtesy: Zoran Berkojovich, Unsplash.com

A friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

OK, I know I have three such people like that on my list. I am very selective with who I spend time with, who I really want to hang out with and who I can honestly call my friends.

There’s an inner voice screaming at me to stop being “friends” with people just to call them friends. My softer voice is whispering its ok, this too shall pass. And it will. So I continue to be on different Whatsapp groups from school reunions to gossip girls to a small group of neighbors. Apart from memes, infotainment, news and jokes the only time personal messages are exchanged are on birthdays, events, condolences or to convey the single most overused sentiment of the century, “stay safe”. So every now and then I wonder what keeps us on these groups. This question is not for people like me who are predominantly silent spectators. And this is what I discovered.

Social interactions have been essential throughout human development. Many thousands of years ago there was a “cognitive revolution” in human development in which humans developed a strong need to communicate with other humans on a more intense level than had previously been the case. Essentially, the need for social interactions arose out of the world and things that needed to be done with other humans. There were similar changes in development of other animal species but with us the focus was on communicating more detailed material and experiences. But the importance of social interactions has led to an overemphasis, at least when it comes to us, on the quality and intensity of those social relationships. We need to interact with each other but it is not necessary that these relationships reach anything more than a basic level of connectedness.

It is nice to have strong friendships but it is not necessary for our survival or even our happiness. Simply put, it is not necessary for humans to have friends.

I bring this up because I am a living example of not being the type of individual who makes or keeps friends easily. It is often seen as a malady, even though I am able to get things done that need doing and contribute to my community and the well being of those who come to me for help. "But there is an expectation that because we are animals for whom social relationships are important, then it must equally follow that the more serious the social relationship, the better", says Daniel Marston, comparative psychologist. In a book reviewing comparative social psychology research, Terry Maple and Daniel Marston found considerable evidence that being a “social animal” does not require emotionally intimate relationships like “friendships”. Having friends is nice and can be beneficial – but not necessary to survive in social environments. Social isolation is detrimental – but there is a huge gap between social isolation and having friendships. We can gain as much benefit with social relationships just by possessing the ability to interact with other people without meeting the criteria of being “friends”.

Friends!! Such a simple yet overused word! It’s simple because it’s based on voluntary participation and overused because not all friendships are equal.

The majority of friendships fall into the casual and superficial categories. We run into them at the gym, work, shopping mall or kid’s school and make conversation. As you get to know each other you choose to keep it casual based on your personal preference.

The superficial friendships here do not mean fake. They are authentic but lack depth. They are enjoyable relationships but limited to conversations about work, gossip and interests. There is a lot of laughter and fun. They are light and convenient arising from accidentally being in the same place in life. Both may have children of the same age or mutual friends or attend a hobby class together.

“T” was one such friend when I was 10. Our parents belonged to the same social group. It was a casual friendship at first. We would meet every time our parents socialized together. In fact, there were quite a few young kids in our parent’s group and we were casually acquainted to all but eventually T and I found more comfort with each other. We began spending time together on our own; thanks to our mother’s shared interest in Mahjong (a Chinese tile game). Our shared interest in music helped us fortify our friendship and it was as deep as it could be for 12 year olds. The physical distances eventually decreased the magic we shared in each other’s company and without any particular reason we drifted apart. We are very cordial and warm whenever we exchange messages now.

Its funny but I didn’t have any significant friendships after that, until I reached class 9 and met “D”. I can’t recall the exact incident of how we became friends but we have been part of each other’s lives for over 30 years. This was my first independent relationship outside family influence or approval. As adolescences there was a lot more self-disclosure and together we were navigating all the challenges within and outside of ourselves. Who we are, what do we need and where we stand with respect to our world cemented our understanding of each other. There was huge solidarity between us, until we began to meet new people and make new friends. It was personally a tumultuous time for me, as my mother was diagnosed with depression around the same time and my parent’s attention was diverted, for obvious reasons. I felt disconnected and unimportant but “D” was always there to compensate for the absence of parental care and support. So from a mutually beneficial friendship it became a more palliative relationship, like a nurse and her patient. She was always there to listen to my worries and giving me the attention I needed. I don’t remember her disagreeing with me ever, because all that I was looking for at the time was validation of my feelings.

Finally, that changed and I started to validate and respect myself. This change has resulted in me becoming emotionally and mentally self-sufficient. But every once in a while when life throws a curve ball, I lean on my family and one valuable confidant who came into my life through our love for dogs. And when life is kind and peaceful, I have my gang of two besties from college days to hangout with. All in all, my current friendships are a perfect cocktail of 2 ounces of honesty, 1 ounce of time, 1 more ounce of sharpness, a dash of spice, rimmed with unconditional love and support.

So here is my advice, whether your friendships mirror a soap opera like Sex and the City or F.R.I.E.N.D.S, both huge influencers of our idea of friends and friendship or you have zero friends and are perfectly happy or your friendships become a revolving door, ultimately, you do what works for you. There is no right or wrong way, only your way when it comes to your investment in people. We all need to find the best ways for us to be comfortable with and effective at interacting with other people.

But remember there is a difference between social interactions and friends. While the former is absolutely essential for your survival (the answer to my riddle of staying on all kinds of Whatsapp groups) the latter is more deliberate, rather than moving through life sifting people you meet with the end goal of “filling up friendship slots”. The friends that I think worth having are:

Fully functional and rad in their own awesome way.

For mutual growth, not as crutches or entertainment.

Don’t make demands on your attention or time.

Share values, viewpoints and goals.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” – C.S. Lewis

But – big caveat – it has to actually give value.