How Emotionally Healthy Are You?

Image Courtesy: Matthew Cabret, Unsplash.com

I have been studying, reading and writing about the various forms of Self; self-awareness, self-esteem, self-love, self-acceptance. We use these terms interchangeably often. While there is a link between all these loaded words, the truth is there is a difference. They are progressive stages of our emotional well-being. Which starts with self-esteem, self-acceptance and finally self-love.

Most people determine their worth based upon other people’s view about oneself. We seek approval and validation from others, whilst having a low opinion of ourselves. True self-esteem isn’t based on what others think of you. It’s what you think of yourself. You may think well of yourself and your competence in some areas, but not in others, and your estimation may fluctuate with life’s ups and downs, but if you have healthy self-esteem, you will soon return to feeling good about yourself. You won’t blame yourself, nor take other’s opinion or what fate throws at you too personally. You will think you are an okay person despite losses, rejection, mistakes, failures or ill health.

Unlike self-esteem, which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. We accept ourselves despite our flaws, failures and limitations. We let go of self-judgment quicker through self-forgiveness and overcoming guilt. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, both harshly and kindly, we appreciate our individuality. The being “good enough” feeling enables us to accept ourselves without worrying about what others think of us. It allows us to be more spontaneous, natural and authentic. When you allow your real, inner self to be seen, you feel no shame or fear of revealing yourself. This is the key to a more relaxed and confident you.

Self-esteem can then be described as an evaluation and acceptance as an attitude. But developing and more importantly owning an attitude is hard work. What makes it tough is the inner conflict. For example, suppose you see chocolate. The image of the cookie is now a “part” of your consciousness. Next, there is the wish to have the chocolate-“Me want chocolate!”-which is now a second part of consciousness. Then there is the thought, “Oh no, chocolate has calories, not for me,” and a third part is now in the mind. But then another part speaks up, “You’ve worked hard, you deserve that cookie, its ok.” Parts interacting with other parts, often in conflict with each other. This is the structure of most of our suffering: parts of the mind struggling with other parts. On the other hand, as a sense of wholeness increases, this inner division and conflict decreases, and suffering decreases as well.

In this common way of experiencing oneself, it is all too easy to push away parts that feel vulnerable, embarrassing, “bad”, or painful. It’s as if the mind is a big house with many rooms, and some of them are locked up for fear or what’s inside. As understandable as this is, it leads to problems. We numb ourselves to keep the doors bolted shut. But the more repression, the less vitality and passion. The more parts we exile, the less we know ourselves. The more we hide, the more we fear being found out.

Personally, by the time I got to an early adult life, it seemed like most of the rooms of my own mind were boarded up. Over the years, I’ve had to work on accepting all of myself. I am still not all there and Tara Branch’s Radical Acceptance is worth trying. It paves the way of accepting yourself by reclaiming every room in your mind while still acting appropriately. It is by opening up these bolted rooms that you can best manage whatever they contain.

So here is the how to accept all of yourself which means recognizing something exists as a fact, whether you like it or not, with a feeling of softening and surrendering to this reality. This step-by-step approach has been explained by psychologist & NY Times bestseller, Rick Hanson, Ph. D.:

1. Explore accepting different things.

Pick something pleasant and explore the sense of accepting it. Do the same with something that is neutral for you, and accept it. Then pick something mildly unpleasant, perhaps an annoying noise, and help yourself accept it.

2. Know what acceptance feels like.

Your body could relax and breathing could ease. There could be thoughts such as “It’s just the way it is. I don’t like it but I can accept it.” Be aware of the difference between a feeling of acceptance, which is usually calming and peaceful, versus a feeling of helplessness or defeat, which often comes with a sense of frustration, hopelessness, weariness and depressed mood.

3. Explore accepting different parts of yourself.

Pick a positive characteristic about yourself and explore what its like to accept this. Next, pick a neutral characteristic such as the fact that you are breathing, and accept it. Then pick something you think is mildly negative about yourself and explore accepting it. Try this with several things about yourself. Gradually raise the challenge level and build the “muscle” of self-acceptance.

4. Allow things to come up.

For a few minutes, let thing bubble up into awareness, and explore what it feels like to accept them, such as, “Ah, an ache in my lower back, I accept this…loving feelings for a friend, accepting these…resentful feelings about someone mistreating me, accepting them too.”

5. Think about the things you like about yourself.

Look for sweet, admirable, passionate, tender, good things inside yourself and take time to accept them. You might imagine thanking them and including them in all of who you are.

6. Then, the things about yourself you may not like.

Pick something inside that you are embarrassed or remorseful about, and explore accepting it. Start with something small, establish self-compassion, and remember that we all have things that are hard to face. Let go of denying or hiding while also knowing that you can take responsibility and act wisely.

7. Allow yourself to soften.

When you accept yourself, there could be a feeling of releasing and easing. Let the walls inside you soften. It’s all right. Let everything flow, as it will. Let go of any tension in your body, be aware of breathing, and relax as a whole being, being whole.

It is important to add here that acceptance may not apply to every kind of distressing situation. So as a rule of thumb, it can be applied to external events that are stressful, out of our personal control, but not extremely painful or traumatic. Learning to accept yourself despite your limitations and failures, works wonders. You will gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural, letting go of self-judgment.

The final step in this journey is Self-Love. While self-esteem is an evaluation, and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. When I thought too little of myself I realized that I was seeking love to fill my inner loneliness and shame. No wonder most of my relationships were with people who were just not right for me. But to shake off the common belief that self-love is selfish is hard. I think the problem lies with not knowing the difference between self-indulgence and self-love. The expectation that the world around you is solely for the purpose of fulfilling your needs, desires and wants is selfish. Self-love is anything but that. It entails attention, respect, support, compassion, acceptance and faith. It is the daily practice of traveling inward to face one’s self-defeating beliefs, negative feelings and egocentric attitudes. Every time you talk yourself down, doubt yourself, dismiss your feelings or needs, or act against your values, you undermine your self-esteem. The reverse is also true. Developing self-love will enable you to comfort yourself and face challenges and failures since you begin to see yourself objectively and know that you will survive, despite the present upheavals. It’s only logical then that the greater is your love of self, the greater will be your love of others. The inverse is also true; hatred of others is indicative of self-hatred.

I do not claim to have attained optimum emotional well-being since it is an ongoing process that requires awareness, knowledge and practice to consolidate self-esteem, follow self-acceptance and develop self-love. But I have had some success in knowing what good emotional health feels like and that motivates me to encourage everyone to commit to and practice.