Always "At Your Service" & A Whole Lot More...

Image Courtesy: Austrian Library, Unsplash.com

It is that brings families together for fleeting moments between homework, office and extra-curricular activities. So much happens around it in every home. Connections are made or or fall apart, ideas are discussed, decisions are made, and life’s lessons are learned. It hides in plain sight through life's ups and downs, ever present and fixed. It is a common piece yet vital for our nourishment, in health and in sickness. It is the modest but mighty Dining Table.

Talking to a friend about how we celebrated my birthday in my parent’s home brought to life memories of the many grand parties that were planned and hosted by my parents when I was a school-going girl. As I got older the parties turned into a smaller affair with close friends grooving to musical hits of our times. But through the years what remained unchanged was the tradition of friends gathered around our dining table that played host to a cake and yummy treats.

The home that I grew-up in has seen much change in its existence of over 6 decades. Rooms got converted as the family grew, living spaces got an upgrade to accommodate guests, the kitchen got renovated, the courtyard was partially covered to maintain privacy from the peeping-toms residing in the high-rise apartment but the one thing that has been constant is our functional and dependable Dining Table. It is as old as the house and therefore not just a piece of wood with nails and varnish but rather like a giant memory box. Around the table, food and families come together in an endless succession of memories and associations. The table is the place where the family gathers, the symbol of solidarity, or the backdrop to family rows and childhood misadventures. At the table the eater is tamed and we relive our youth through the recipes of the past. Our hatred of bitter gourd or egg curry, teenage crush through that first failed sponge cake, the sadness of the unarticulated apology, the tears of disapproval that mixed with the fried cauliflower or the pleasure of being messy while devouring juicy mangoes. At the table my birthday parties was planned, worked out and celebrated lending more action than just meals to enjoy. At the table lessons were learned and beliefs were made.

Here are my top 6:

FAMILY DYNAMICS

This dining table culture is a legacy of my grandfather who adopted this Western concept that has been around since the 16th Century. It also meant that I understood hierarchy.

So even if you were new to the family, you could guess who sat where if you simply observed the physicality of each person and the shape of the seat of the dining chairs. We all stuck to the pecking order established by the head of the family, my Baba (grandfather). He always sat at the head of the table, my father to his right, grandmother to his left, followed by my mom next to my grandmother, my brother opposite her next to my father and I at the tail end.

This arrangement was for a brief period of time since tragedy struck home when my father’s youngest sister lost her husband and she along with my two cousins, moved in with us. The table was witness to this addition and welcomed a smaller table alongside it to accommodate a family of 9. But it brought about a re-juggling of the seating arrangement based on seniority. So my brother got demoted to my left with my cousin brother before him and my aunt next to my father. On the other side my cousin sister sat next to my mother, to my right. My position remain unchanged as the youngest in the family only to be elevated by a few cushions on the new chair so that I could be at a comfortable level to eat. It served me well to understand family structure but what I didn’t like was being stuck to a position based on my age.

Lesson: You should treat people exactly how you would like to be treated. Age should never be the criteria for receiving or giving respect. Value of a person is determined more by their actions, behavior and attitude and less by how old one is.

MEALS & MANNERS GO HAND-IN-HAND

I learnt the skill of saying “Please”, “Thank you” and “Excuse me” that are the building blocks of social skills.

My grandfather was a stickler for dining rules. Every item had to be at its proper place and we were all expected to use each item for the purpose that it was intended to serve. My grandmother had a tough time since she came from a family that lived by the Gandhian philosophy of austerity and abstinence shunning everything “British”. He would often reprimand her for displaying uncivilized table manners and frankly I felt quite bad for her considering she was the second eldest in the family. But it instilled awe in me for my grandfather ensuring that I abstained from any disapproving behavior at the dining table. Of course, it served me well to learn to eat “properly” but the way it was enforced remained to bother me.

The Lesson: Your opinion will matter more if you sprinkle it with kindness. The success of communication lies not just in what you say but how you convey it.

A PINCH OF PATIENCE

It was a privilege to receive light and puffed-up phulkas at lunchtime or triangular, thin paranthas at dinner to enhance the flavor of any meal. But this privilege came with having to wait for my turn. Sometimes an elder helped in jumping the queue by offering their share or breaking the roti in half. But I developed patience and equally learnt to share.

Secondly, I couldn’t get up from the table even if I had finished my meal earlier than everyone else. We waited until everyone was done eating. What seemed like torture then served an important lesson in being considerate. Especially for the ladies of the house, who would put their own hunger aside to feed the bread-earners and the young first before sitting down to nourish themselves.

Lesson: It indirectly taught me about putting my own needs before others or at least that is what was expected of good children. But a word of practical wisdom, while this mantra works well for family and important relationships it would be ridiculous to apply it universally.

THE ART OF GOOD CONVERSATION

While conversations with 4 – 8 years old aren’t intellectually stimulating, they are for sure entertaining. Mealtime is an opportunity to ask children questions and to really get to know them. This was one of the best memories I have with the dining table playing host to history lessons from my grandfather, who would always throw questions at the kids to improve our general knowledge about history and current affairs. Sitting right across him, I always perceived to be in the hot seat, lucky to be the one who he was testing. It served as a great motivator to always be prepared with answers and show-off the little knowledge a 5 year old could have.

I was also encouraged to talk (only when I didn’t have food in my mouth) and I recall memorizing jokes to narrate to my family and make everyone laugh. It filled me with confidence to be acknowledged for my knowledge and humor, an important aspect of growing-up.

Lesson: Like food nourishes the body, dialogues nourish the soul.

EAT ON TIME

You don’t have to be a dietician or a doctor to know the importance of eating meals at regular times and in the proper manner. Consuming meals on a regular schedule helps keep the digestive system in top shape and keeping the spine upright while eating doesn’t exert any pressure on the stomach to balance your body properly aiding the digestive system to work without any disturbance.

Come hail, rain, storm or sunshine, mealtimes were compulsory for all unless one was ill or at school (quite rare). Hungry or not, busy or not, I had to show-up at the dining table for lunch and dinner. Dinnertime was especially painful since the small window I got between completing homework and dinner provided me with the opportunity to relax in front of the TV, listen to music or anything else to unwind. I remember on many occasions groveling at my mom to allow me to carry my dinner plate in front of the TV. Her reaction was like I had asked for the moon and after a point I just gave up the idea all together. But if it were allowed, I am sure everyone would have dined sequentially, in different rooms or in front of the TV. That is exactly what happened when there was plenty of house-help at our disposal, trained to serve us dinner whenever we wanted, pushing trays and trolleys in and out of rooms. But even then there was a routine to the madness and we quickly created an unwritten timetable to accommodate everyone’s time preference to be served dinner. Lunchtime was still a sacrosanct affair.

Lesson:Health is Wealth.

CULTURE OF GRATITUDE

Hunger is a global problem. According to a 2019 report by the Food Aid Foundation, 821 million people – one in nine – still go to bed on an empty stomach each night.

My mother was acutely uncomfortable with seeing food wasted and pointed out whenever my brother and I left a morsel on our plates. I remember trying to finish everything on my plate but at that point in time it was more from the unhappiness of being ticked off and less about the global crisis.If I couldn't do anything about the crisis at least I did my bit to not make it worse.

So apart from being grateful for never being deprived of nutrition, I also learnt to honor food in a different way. It sounded odd then but I understand now the need to dedicate your mind and body to eat a meal. Taking the time to see, smell and taste food, appreciate what is on your plate allows your senses to get activated and enjoy food. Being mindful helps to slow down so you chew every bite and are able to stop when you are full. Thanking food also has an undeniable impact on mood. Of course, these pearls of wisdom were never spoken out loud but when no one left the table in between a meal, deferred accepting a phone call or made visitors wait during mealtimes conveyed the point to honor and appreciate food.

Lesson: What you give is what you get. It is simply not enough to eat to fill your stomach. If you want to truly feel nourished and happy, it is important to respect food and enjoy the process of eating.

It is crystal clear that I did more than just eat at the dining table. I observed and absorbed. I learned so much watching my grandparents, parents, sibling, cousins and service staff. None of it would have been possible without the Dining Table. She is still going strong at 66 and if ever my parents decide to give her away, I would be delighted to make space for her in my home, as she has been such an important part of my childhood, teenage and adult life.

I hope this personal memoir has supplied enough food for thought to uplift your spirits reminiscing about your childhood memories at the Dining Table.