An arranged tradition that has stood the test of time

Image Courtesy: Ben Rosett, Unsplash.com

Marriage is a truly ancient institution that predates recorded history. In some ancient cultures the main goal of marriage was to act as an alliance between families for protection of bloodlines and property. But for the people living along the river Indus, marriage was derived from the laws interpreted in the “Dharmashastras”. Its roots found in the 3000 year old hymns called Vedas and Smritis, mentioning the four main aims of Hindu life; Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha.

Dharma represented the harmony between temporal interests and spiritual freedom.

Artha referred to the acquisitive instinct, and signified man’s enjoyment of wealth.

Kama represented the instinctive, and was connected with satisfying the emotional, sexual and aesthetic urges of man.

Moksha represented the end of life and the realization of an inner spirituality in man.

The texts further mentioned the accomplishment of these aims through the four stages of life; brahmacharya, grihasta, vanprastha and sanyas. Grihastha dealt with marriage; hence, vivah or marriage is generally considered as obligatory for every person following the Vedic system.

The Vedas also describes eight forms of marriage; Brahma, Prajapatya, Arsa, Daiva, Asuras, Gandharva, Rakshasas and Pisaka. For the curious reader, the ritual described in the Manu Smriti of the eight forms of marriage are as follows:

Brahma marriage (Rite of Brahmana) – where the father of the bride invites a man learned in the Vedas and of good conduct, and gives his daughter in marriage to him after decking her with jewels and costly garments. The bride figures as an object of “dana” or gift.

Daiva marriage (Rite of the Gods) – where the daughter is dressed-up with ornaments and given to a priest. The priest officiates at a sacrifice during the course of its performance of this rite. For this service by the groom, the father offered his daughter’s hand to the priest performing the ritual.

Arsha marriage (Rite of the Rishis) – when the father gives away his daughter after receiving a cow and a bull from the groom.

Prajapatya marriage (Rite of the Prajapati) – where the father gives away his daughter to the groom and blesses them to perform their duties together. The basic condition is that the groom will treat the bride as a partner for secular and religious purposes.

Asura marriage (Rite of the Demons) – when the bridegroom receives a maiden after bestowing wealth to the kinsmen and to the bride according to his own will.

Gandharva marriage (Rite of the Gandharva) – the voluntary union of a maiden and her lover. To some extent this form of marriage appears to be like “Gretna Green” marriages. Gretna Green marriages are run-away marriages by persons governed by the English law at Gretna Green or elsewhere in Scotland to evade the provision of that law against ill-advised and clandestine marriages. Swayamvara marriages as found in epics may be conceived as the Gandharva form of marriage. This is the closest form of the modern day love marriage.

Rakshasa marriage (Rite of the Rakshasa) – forcible abduction of a maiden after her kinsmen have been slain or wounded and their homes raided. Fortunately, in modern Indian society this form of marriage has been banned, in fact it’s practice is a punishable offence.

Pishaka marriage (Rite of the Pishaka) – when a man by stealth seduces a girl who is sleeping or intoxicated or mentally unstable or handicapped.

The first four can be classified as arranged marriages, because these involve the parents. So it can be safely assumed that an arranged marriage has its roots in the Vedas. The caste system also gave boost to arrange-marriage, as the upper caste families did not want their children to marry outside their community and caste. As a Hindu, I am not very proud of this aspect but I find solace in the fact that there were no such divisions in Ancient India. In fact divisions were based on qualifications but this system broke down over 3000 years ago where the process of determining natural aptitude degenerated into the caste system which we live by even today.

Endogamy (a rule requiring marriage within a specified social or kinship group) continues to govern the Hindu society, as it is believed that marrying outside ones caste would result in serious ritual pollution. Urban data as of January 2018 showed that 93 percent of respondents had an arranged marriage and only 3 percent had love marriage. This trend shows that arranged marriages are here to stay. There is nothing wrong with spending the rest of your life with a man or woman chosen by your parents or elders. But what I find intriguing is how two people who barely know each other make such an important decision, so quickly, that will affect their joint futures? And even more surprising, how can a decision made this way lead to positive outcomes for so many couples?

My quest to solve this puzzle took me straight to an article on Psychology Today by Utpal Dholakia, Ph. D. He has a few plausible reasons for the popularity and success of arranged marriages and they are pretty logical and relatable.

"Relinquishing difficult aspects of the choice.

Two major advantages of choosing a partner through arrangement are; first people we trust, namely parents or elders, pre-screen options, leaving a small and manageable choice set. In free-choice marriages, one of the hardest challenges is finding a good set of options to choose from. Just as problematic is the short-term pre-screen criteria like looks and profession that people use when left to their own devices. Social psychologists have found impressive evidence for “attractiveness matching” in which daters give heavy weight to physical attractiveness of potential partners, and favor those whose attractiveness is comparable to their own. A second difficult challenge is choice set size. The question of how many potential partners to date before marrying someone can be answered by math. The answer is the square root of n, where n is the potential lifetime dates, the solution to the “optimal stopping problem”, made famous by big data-driven process used by mathematician Chris McKinlay on OKCipid. But for most people, it is difficult to figure out when to stop searching and just as hard not to begin again once they have settled for chosen a partner.

When a marriage is arranged, both these problems are solved. Prospects come vetted. What is more, they share many characteristics such as social, class, religion, caste and educational attainment that signal similarity and may be important predictors of longer-term marriage success. The vetting process also limits the choice set size and puts a grinding halt to further search once a choice is made. Making others you trust do all the hard work in the choice process pays off.

Choice with relatively little deliberation.

The conventional wisdom about decision-making is that the more time and effort we spend in making a decision, the better our decision will be and the happier we will be with the outcome. But there is a whole body of research that points to the exact opposite conclusion. It shows that for complex decisions, not thinking too much and relying more on gut feelings better serve people. Another problem with thinking too hard about different options is that people get attached to them so that choosing one option produces regret at having lost out on others, called “choosing feels like losing” effect by psychologists. Nowhere is this truer than in choosing a partner where potential partners may have different attractive qualities, and none may have all the qualities one is looking for. In free choice marriages, the long and elaborate dating process provides lots of time and opportunity to judge potential partners critically and deliberately, and long for the ones that got away.

Starting the relationship with lower expectations.

By and large, a couple entering an arranged marriage simply don’t know each other that well compared to those beginning free-choice marriages. Consequently, the expectations from each other at the relationship’s outset will be lower. Also, in Indian arranged marriages, many people still give greater weight to compatibility and financial security over romantic love, further contributing to restrained expectations. Hence, when expectations are low, they are more likely to be met or exceeded."

It makes sense then that the vast majority of Indians still have arranged marriages, and the custom hasn't changed much over time. It's equally fascinating that Indians have an astonishingly low rate of divorce and high levels of satisfaction in arranged marriages. Of course there are many important factors that contribute to a long lasting, happy marriage, arranged or otherwise.

So whether you fall in love and marry or marry and then fall in love, enjoy the process of staying in love.