Stay in the spiral

Is there anyone who honestly likes change?

I am not referring to the garden-variety organic changes. Like a tomato seed we plant, outgrowing the tiny pot or children outgrowing their clothes. Neither am I referring to lifestyle changes like cutting down on sugar from one’s diet or increasing one’s intake of water per day or changing the layout of furniture in your home.

I am talking about behavior change.

The kind of change that uplifts you and makes you feel good about yourself.

The kind of change that improves your relationship with others and yourself.

The kind of change that takes you closer to your goals and dreams.

But for so many of us the idea of changing even something we don’t like is difficult. In fact, counseling and therapy is replete with the number of people who come to therapy to learn how to get someone else to change. They want to know how to get their boss to treat them differently, or how to get their spouse to appreciate them more or want their children to understand them better or their friends to be more considerate.

But the truth is that the only person you can change is yourself. That includes changing your beliefs, behaviors, reactions and patterns. It’s easier said than done. Change has got a bad rap. It has wrongly gained the image of a scary word. Organizations shun it for “transition”. Experts substitute it with “improvement”. It’s portrayed as something threatening that is coming to get us.

Lao Tzu sums it up perfectly;

“As a society, we screwed up our relationship with change. I’m not saying it’s easy. But treating it as the enemy, rather than our ally, doesn’t help. Change is our natural state of being. By focusing on what we can control, it will feel less stressful and more comfortable to achieve.”

In other words, we fear what change will do to us, instead of thinking about what we can do because of it. We have turned change into a dangerous species.

We need to get past this idea. Moving beyond our set patterns shouldn’t be dangerous. It shouldn’t be viewed as a radical decision but as a temporary measure for personal growth.

According to clinical psychologist Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, change is difficult because most people don’t know how to change, or just not ready. She believes that change isn’t linear, but a spiral. She says, “As long as you are in the spiral, you are making progress. It doesn’t matter whether you are spiraling up or down, what counts is that you keep on working.”

Some people focus too much on things looking different, overlooking the deeper need to shift our internal climate. Others find it tough because change takes time; first, one has to discover patterns that create undesirable thoughts and behaviors before we can understand what issues are getting in our way of making that change. Many more just don’t believe that they can change.

There are different techniques that experts use to help facilitate change. Some teach their clients to be curious about old behaviors that serve no purpose and replace them with new ones. Others provide remedies on how to change. Some help clients gain a clear understanding of the trade-offs of change. While some teach their clients to recognize that it’s “inner forces” that determine their lives, not external ones.

My personal belief is that we have the power to change, when we become aware of our past conditioning or unhealthy patterns, willing to see the negative impact it has on our lives and deriving pleasure from mitigating stagnation.

If you see the timelines of my blog postings, there is a drought from April to July. My blog posting on 23rd June was not my own, so technically, 5th July is when I resumed writing. Interestingly, I resumed with “What I lack” and you guessed it right: inconsistency. Since then, I have posted 9 articles, almost one blog per week. I have successfully changed from an inconsistent blogger to a steady one. How? This is the method that worked for me:

1. Desired behavior must be identified clearly: I want to contribute consistently to my blog.

2. Be clear of the benefits: self-confidence and pride.

3. Believe that I can change: owe that to my spouse for encouraging me every time I post.

4. Practice it daily: If I am not writing, I am reading or collecting resource material or ideating about different concepts and insights.

5. Accept that I will fail or slip-up: It happened this year in April.

Not surprisingly, I first rationalized it (read it as excuse) with being over-worked and tied-up with family commitments. After the work was significantly less and I was free from all family commitments, I couldn’t think of anything exciting to write. Which resulted in falling into the trap of a negative self-fulfilling prophecy of being inconsistent. But in my defense, I stayed in the spiral by continuously thinking about writing.

I begin conceptualizing on a Sunday, collect material, make notes through Wednesday and begin working on the first draft till I have the final piece ready for posting over the weekend. What also works for me is to simultaneously explore couple of different topics. It helps me be energized and secure about always having a back up in case the original one doesn’t meet my standard.

The truth is, personal evolution happens slowly. But small steps over time will create a significant difference. And remember:

“Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.” -Confucius