A Tool to get back to your True Self

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In a recent conversation with an acquaintance, I discovered that generally not feeling good about oneself could inflict a lot of confusion in anyone at any time in his or her life. “What’s wrong?” meets, “I don’t know” followed by a long pause and a half-hearted attempt to figure out the answer to this innocuous, uneasy sadness. No amount of probing or introspection helps in deciphering what the hell feels wrong. Too often, the chat ends with a vanilla assurance of “hang in there” or “this too shall pass”. As a counselor it’s deeply unsettling to not be able to help decode the feeling into something tangible.

Even at the cost of sounding repetitive, I can’t emphasis enough on the importance of self-awareness. I have written numerous blog posts now, highlighting the connection between mental well-being and self-awareness (the link between your feelings, thoughts and behavior). There is a plethora of techniques available to become self-aware, like, mindfulness, meditation, cognitive behavior therapy etc. And that’s largely why I am happy to discover another technique to “Get Un-stuck” (my blog post dated Feb.7th 2019).

It’s called The Change Triangle by psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW. It was first coined the “Triangle of Conflict” in the 1970s by David Malan and later renamed the “Triangle of Experience” by Diana Fosha, Ph.D. in her pioneering text, The Transforming Power of Affect. But since Hendel believed that we all deserve to understand emotions and need this information to feel and function better, she adapted the triangle to be used by all, nicknaming it “The Change Triangle”.

It’s an idea that is necessary because not only does it feel terrible to be in a funk but it’s also compounded with not being able to find a way out because you can’t pinpoint the root cause of bad feelings.

The thought behind “The Change Triangle” is that your emotions can stem from three basic elements: core emotions, inhibitory emotions, and defenses.

Upon understanding each of those, experts say you are instantly better equipped to handle those emotions, feelings, and concerns. Using the triangle of change forces you to take a step back and reflect on what you are feeling, which is, of course, the first step toward clarity. So instead of avoiding them or bottling them up, you can actually narrow down the root of your emotions.

Here is the breakdown of the three base emotions in the triangle of change:

1. Core Emotions: Hendel says, “They are largely physical sensations that we come to recognize and name as a particular emotion. These are the bigger-picture feelings that describe how you are experiencing something. “We are more familiar with these, as they include emotions life fear, excitement, disgust, joy, grief and, anger”, says Jennifer Silvershein, psychotherapist, LCSW. “They inform us about our environment and how we are experiencing it.” Interestingly enough, she points out that they signal to your mind and body how to react accordingly (like by feeling fear and then removing yourself from the situation).

2. Inhibitory Emotions: “These are one of three things: anxiety, guilt or shame,” says Silvershein. They are negative, and “enable us to avoid feeling the core emotion,” she adds. “This comes into play when we are doing something we know others don’t approve of or would not find appropriate.”

3. Defenses: This involves how you behave when you are avoiding core or inhibitory emotions. “This could be done through sarcasm, joking, procrastination, negative thinking, working too much, etc.,” says Silvershein. “It is anything that enables us to avoid being aware or experiencing a certain feeling we are uncomfortable with.”

As an example, let me share a personal experience.

I was anxious about resuming writing for my blog. I felt pressure in my chest and heaviness in my head. I didn’t like feeling anxious, I avoided it by having negative thoughts like “maybe I can’t do this” and obsessing over my failure. So unconsciously, I moved from an inhibitory emotion to the defense mode. I did NOT want to feel anxious. Once I noticed my negative thoughts (failure) are really defenses, I knew I could work by asking myself, “Can I figure out what core emotions are driving me right now?”

So I shifted my attention to my body. This is the key. I felt the physical discomfort of pressure on my chest and heaviness in my head. But I was headed in the right direction since my aim was to connect to my Self and stop listening to the negative thought that I created to avoid my feelings.

I focused on the physical feeling of my anxiety with a position of compassion and curiosity versus fear and criticism. I asked myself, “Is there sadness, anger, excitement, joy, fear or disgust?” The core emotions that emerged were fear and sadness. I tended to that emotion. I asked, “What am I sad about? My sadness answered, “I have let myself and my readers down.” My fear answered, “I am afraid of sounding repetitive and boring.”

So I asked myself, “Do I want to act on my fear and run away from writing?” or “Do I want to tolerate my fear and have a go at it?” I decided to try. I immediately felt better because I had found and named my fear, my sadness diminished and with it my anxiousness. I chose courage over fear and I was inspired to get the blog post done!

“Our feelings are a compass for living. Ignoring emotions leads to stress, anxiety and difficulty finding joy and peace – a feeling of loss of Self. It doesn’t have to be this way! Anyone can live a life in harmony with his or her core feelings. By getting to know those emotions. That is what The Change Triangle is all about. It is a map back to the true Self.” Hilary Jacobs Hendel LCSW

To use the triangle, identify where you are on it currently and where you want to go. By doing this, you will be better able to access your most openhearted, authentic state – the area beneath the triangle – which caters to feel-good emotions, like being calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear. Most importantly, you will be able to find the exit to that frustrating situation of not knowing how you actually feel.

Reference:

What is The Change Triangle by Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Can’t figure out why you’re upset? Just look to the “triangle of change” by Rachel Lapidos, wellandgood.com