What I lack, sometimes...

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A chimpanzee will wait more than two minutes to eat six grapes, but a black lemur would rather eat two grapes now than wait any longer than 15 seconds for a bigger serving.

It's an echo of the dilemma human beings face with a long line at a posh restaurant. How long are they willing to wait for the five-star meal? Or do they head to a greasy spoon to eat sooner?

A paper published in the scientific journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B explores the evolutionary reasons why some primate species wait for a bigger reward, while others are more likely to grab what they can get immediately.

Studying 13 primate species, from massive gorillas to tiny marmosets, Jeffrey R. Stevens, a comparative psychologist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and the study's lead author, compared species' characteristics with their capacity for "inter-temporal choice." That's a scientific term for what some might call patience, self-control or delayed gratification. He found the species with bigger body mass, bigger brains, longer lifespans and larger home ranges also tend to wait longer for a bigger reward.

"Patience is as old as farming. Humanity has played the long game of development and patience has carried the civilization into its current digital era. From a macro view then, patience is a cornerstone to development of things, ideas and concepts. It’s not just in our DNA but it is the cornerstone of existence. To exist is a testament to patience.” J.M.Navarro

If we believe this to be true then patience is super important to the evolution of Self. When it’s time, we will embrace change. But “having patience” has gotten a bad rap for the wrong reasons. According to Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist, patience doesn’t mean passivity or resignation, but power. A way to emotionally redeem your center in a world filled with frustration. She adds that to frustrate means to obstruct or make ineffectual. Frustration is a feeling of agitation and intolerance triggered when our needs aren’t met; its tied to an inability to delay gratification.

We have become too used to immediate results. Email zips the globe in seconds. Parents message their kids to come home for dinner instead of yelling from the balcony or front porch. Looking for answers with a click of a mouse. Despite the digital age marvels, it has propagated a low level of tolerance. But with patience comes the ability to take a step back and regroup. Hence, patience can unshackle the chains of frustration.

“Life will always be moving at a rapid pace and things will not always happen as fast as we may like, but if we can take steps back and look at the big picture, we will be able to have the patience to enjoy the process and build a better life.”

Doug Howard, Director of Skill Development.

Judith defines patience as an active state of waiting your turn, knowing your turn will come. With patience, we are able to delay gratification and it will feel right because intuition intelligently informs patience. It will convey when to have it and if something is worth working on or waiting for.

As a counselor, I’m besotted with patience because its all about process and timing, the key to making breakthroughs with clients. Knowing the right moment to share an insight is the difference between a life-changing discovery and go in one ear and out the other moment.

I believe I am a reasonably patient person. I don’t get easily frustrated in traffic. I don’t clench my jaws when the internet is down or huff and puff in a sluggish line at a grocery store. However, my husband and children will vehemently disagree when it comes to them and my inability to maintain calm when they are upset, angry or being pesky. So, I delved deeper into the psychology of patience and this is what I found.

A 2012 study in the Journal of Positive Psychology identified three distinct expressions of patience:

1. Interpersonal, which is maintaining calm when dealing with someone who is upset, angry or being a pest.

2. Life hardships, or finding the silver lining after a serious setback. 3. Daily hassles, which is suppressing annoyance at delays or anything irritating that would inspire a snarky tweet.

The good news is that same study found that patience as a personality trait is modifiable. Which means that even if I may be lacking patience in the interpersonal department I still display high levels of patience in other areas. All I need to figure out is a way to keep those testy impulses in check when dealing with my loved ones.

1. Identify my trigger/s: the amygdala is too unsophisticated to know the difference between a true threat and something less threatening. I need to figure out which situation set me off.

2. Interrupt the cycle: take a step back from the situation and try to look at it as objectively as I can. Is this irritated response beneficial to the discussion? Almost, always, always, always, no is the answer.

3. Give grace to each other: instead of dwelling on my irritation with an unexpected response, I can think of times when I have frustrated them.

4. Focus on why patience is integral to my values: thinking how patience ties into my larger sense of integrity and poise will make it a whole lot easier to stick with practicing patience with them.

5. Train, don’t try: just as athletes don’t win on their first day, I needn’t expect immediate results. I can practice patience during less intense moments, even in silly situations. Catch myself feeling irritated, chant a custom mantra or take a deep breath or let out a chuckle. Dr. Schnitker says, “Its like any other skill. If you do it on a daily basis and then also connect it to the bigger picture story of why its important, it can grow and develop just like a muscle.”

For some of you struggling with other impatience triggers like killing time in waiting rooms or being in traffic, consider making lifestyle changes over and above the 5 points mentioned above. Designate a game on your phone when you are at the doctor’s office or have your favorite playlist ready to reduce the frustration of being in traffic or go to the grocery store at off-hours if you detest crowds and queues.

Neuroscientists at Berkeley Hass School of Business, by using functional MRI to look inside the brain, found that imagination is a pathway toward patience. Imagining an outcome before acting upon an impulse may help increase patience without relying on increased willpower. Also, be realistic. Nedra Glover Tawwab, a clinical social worker, recommends being more sensible about setting achievable aims. She says, “sometimes we overlook ourselves or we don’t allot enough time to do things. Be reasonable in setting goals for yourself because there’s only so much many things you can do in a time frame or day.”

To sum it up, “You can't fast forward time and you can't make people move faster. You can't manipulate those things, the only thing you can manipulate is you.”