"Be Nice" is Overrated

Picture Courtesy: Aaron Jean, Unsplash.com

“You have enemies? Good.

That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” Winston Churchill

Meaning, one has to make choices sometime in life that reflect your values and principles. (And I am not referring to which T.V. to buy or what to eat for breakfast). I am talking about person philosophies.

Indeed, I do see myself as someone who has stood up for something – honesty, loyalty and duty are chief amongst them.

We all have personal philosophies that make us unique. And sometimes your uniqueness will earn you some flak. It took me a while to get past my sensitivity to being judged. I was often too eager to please in order to avoid the sting of their disapproval. But the truth is it’s impossible to make everyone happy.

There will always be people who don’t agree with you, with what you say or do. Your beliefs will be challenged and that’s okay, because they are there to do just that, to challenge you. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and their own judgments. How some people use these opinion and judgments is sometimes questionable. But mostly we have embraced “being judgmental” and criticizing others when they do not agree with your opinion.

Today, we live in a society that cares less about character, integrity and authenticity and more about political correctness. How many times did your parents tell you to "be nice"? Personally, I grew up on this philosophy of my parents. Even when I felt uncomfortable around some people or body-shamed and bullied by some. I internalized it all and it affected my mental health.

Yes I judged such people and closed my heart to them. But only if I had been taught to discern, I probably would have learned to continue being nice but set boundaries to limit my exposure to them. Decisions involving humans-which person to assign to a task or whom to invite to a party-have the greatest impact on our well-being.

In essence, discernment encourages people to have the courage to speak out when they see things that are wrong – not to stand in judgment, not to be violent, but to bring light into situations. Additionally, it serves as an invaluable tool to stay close to those who respect your boundaries, treat you with kindness and choose to behave guided by integrity.

You can of course love and have compassion for those who might make choices you don’t agree with. But you will likely wind up keeping your distance.

You might then ask, “Being discerning is also a judgment?” Yes it is. But can we be discerning without being judgmental? To answer this we first need to distinguish between the two often ambiguous and confusing terms. So let me try and share with you what I believe to be the differences between the two.

Making a judgment is like passing a sentence. There is finality to it.

Some examples would immediately bring the point home.

He cheated on his wife with a much younger employee.

She manipulates her feminine wiles to get what she wants.

She sells her body for money.

He took their hard-earned money and squandered it.

You will most likely judge these people and label them as immoral or wrong. You will assume a superior position and brand them as inferior beings. Judgment assumes that the person judging has the power and right to determine what is good or bad in general, not just from their point of view. We are much more used to our reactive, judging mind. “What a jerk!” “This sucks!” “Stupid people” “He is so incompetent”. Case closed, mind made up, and that person or thing has been condemned.

Discernment however, is a more personal and conscious approach. It is the cognitive ability of a person to distinguish what is appropriate or inappropriate.

Viveka, the Sanskrit word for discernment, is about seeing things as they are. Insight is seeing into something, from our inner self, not from outer rigid standards, opinions or social pressures. When we use Viveka, we are tapping into something much deeper than our egos passing judgment. We are using the ability to perceive clearly.

We know there are others that are more skilled or gifted, yet we acknowledge our own strengths. We can recognize a master’s exquisite painting while still feeling the joy in our simple drawing of a flower.

Simply put, being judgmental involves putting something or someone down to covet power. Discernment shares power. Discernment says, “I am the expert on what works for me” and judgement says “I am the expert of everything.” Discernment is sourced in assertion, accountability, and honesty while judgement is sourced in aggression, blame, shame, prejudice, racism, and stereotyping.

In a nutshell we can learn to be discerning without being judgmental by following two fundamental aspects:

1. We all possess different kinds of intelligence ranging from mathematical to musical or from spatial to social. Indeed, one could even go so far as to argue that, when all dimensions of intelligences are considered, everyone is equally gifted in their own particular way.

2. Success according to Simonton and Gladwell depends to a large extent on chance occurrences and circumstances that put us in the “right place at the right time” to take advantage of our talents, and most of us are just not lucky enough to have gotten the right breaks in life – breaks that, had they occurred, would have allowed our special talents to blossom.

If you accept these two aspects then you can discern without being judgmental. And by being discerning without judging, your negative feedback could be more easily accepted, since it will be recognized as not coming from malice or superiority but from a position of clear perception and the ability to make good choices without having to be better or worse than anyone else.

So, go out there and be your true perspicacious self regardless on who is on your side or not. Eventually, people will learn to respect what you stand for and if they don’t then they don’t matter anyway.

Don’t define yourself based off anyone else but yourself.

Credits:

Awakeningself.com

Aleka Thorvalson, Life Coach

Don’t be Judgmental, Be discerning-Raj Raghunathan, Ph.D, Sapient Nature

Are you criticizing, evaluating or judging? Russell Bishop