Get Un-stuck

Picture Courtesy: Blake Weyland, Unsplash.com

I wish I could do more when I see loved ones getting hurt, whether by others or self-afflicted pain. Yes, it is easier to look at solutions when one is not part of the problem. "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Einstein perhaps meant that we need to change our approach if we want to find a solution. If we wallow and dwell on the problem we probably have a slim chance of rising above the situation to see how to overcome it.

This kind of shift from dwelling on the problem to resolving it can come from changing our level of awareness and look at it from a different mindset. Of course, it requires the right training and knowledge. And unfortunately, unlike a math problem it cannot be taught. It has to be experienced through conscious probing. If that sounds vague to you then it’s probably because you are not ready to dig deeper and discover the remedy. And it’s perfectly OK, because it’s deeply unsettling to see your own contributions that have put you in this challenging situation in the first place.

Your job sucks!

Your partner is unreasonable!

Why me!

Your children don't listen!

If these are recurrent themes, then chances are that you are spending way too much time on the problem and little time on changing your unhappy situation.

Yes, there are often things that you have no control over, like your boss’s rudeness or lack of leadership, or your partner’s lack of sensitivity and maturity or your friend’s inability to truly understand you or your mother-in-law’s unreasonable expectation. But then you are aiming at the wrong target to solve your problem. It’s like a conceptual error in mathematics because you have misunderstood the fundamental concept. It is the most difficult type of error because your computations might be correct, you may have worked out each step meticulously but still get the wrong answer.

Now apply this to your problematic recurrent themes. You may be doing everything in your power to resolve problems with your boss or partner or friend but still feel unhappy or disappointed because you are not applying your contribution to these unhappy situations. You are simply assigning fault or blame on your boss, partner or friend. Once you get a hang of this concept, you can train yourself to fully understand your role to your conundrum, what is causing it and what you hope to change in yourself to find a long-lasting solution?

It’s fairly easy once you make up your mind to move from a position of staying stuck in the problem to becoming solution oriented.

A lot like becoming a “Palm Tree” instead of an “Oak Tree”. I mean it’s all good to stand firm for your principles and values. But if this firmness encourages you to stay rooted (pun intended) in the problem then it might be time to re-look at your approach.

Personally, this approach comes handy when dealing with one’s children, especially, when you raise them to be independent human beings. There will be conflicts in views and choices that you can’t just wish away or hold against each other. (Unless proven that “my way is better than yours” or vice versa.) This competition of experience versus individual choice doesn’t need to end in despair. Hence, the ability to stay flexible becomes a handy tool in maintaining a healthy relationship between a parent and a young-adult offspring.

It could be then safely assumed that developing flexibility is a precursor to a solution-driven mindset. And Buddhism has four noble truths that may motivate you to stay flexible and stop inflicting misery on yourself.

They are:

There is a lot of suffering in life. Some unhappiness and despair is inevitable.

You may be causing some of your suffering.

You can stop causing your own suffering!

Once you cease to create your own suffering, you are more likely to live a good life, one in harmony with your deepest values and goals.

You can learn to notice when being a palm serves you better than being an oak because “in a storm, the hard and rigid will break but the soft and flexible will remain” Tao Te Ching.

Additionally, once the initial outburst has happened and you retreat to gather yourself, then make a conscious effort in assuming your role in a stormy situation and you will most likely see the remedy sitting right before you, which eluded you because you were so focused on the problem.

To sum it up, I leave you with this quote from Steve Jobs.

"If you define the problem correctly, you almost have the solution."