At the Sharp-end of Behavior

Picture Courtesy: Kris Atomic, Unsplash.com

Making lists is a great tool to organize your life. From grocery to resolutions, from guests to achievements, from daily tasks to strengths, you can capture things in bullet points. So that you can use them to get things done. They can also be used as a tool to self-reflect and improve your self-awareness. And self-awareness is linked to organizing your thoughts, feelings and behavior to improve your overall well-being.

I recently stumbled upon a “list” by Jacqueline MCelhone that intrigued me. It’s called the Intimidation List. My spin on it elaborates on why being intimidating is a good thing and the things that make you intimidated.

My friends and relatives have told me, that people, who don’t know me well, find me intimidating. Frankly, it upset me to some degree, because it created a cognitive dissonance in my head. I always think of myself as an easy-going, approachable kind of person. So to hear that I am seen as something quite the opposite was unsettling.

If I were in my late 20’s or early 30’s, I would have driven myself nuts over this unfriendly persona I was giving off. This one feedback would have left me in a state of over-thinking, over-analyzing, crappy ball of mess. You see, I had very low self-esteem for a large part of my younger days. And one of the fall-outs of being low on self-belief is to always seek approval from others.

But today, I am quite comfortable with this notorious label of “being intimidating”. I don’t take it as a bad thing anymore- probably because it really isn’t and the people, who really know me, know it’s not true. In fact, I’d go so far to say that I am happy to be intimidating. Its pretty great to be seen as a badass and here’s why:

1. It can prevent problems from happening especially when people have a desire to mess with me. I did my college in Delhi and lived with a bunch of flat-mates. Traveling alone was a daily feature and being badass was my saving grace as my other flat-mates were not so lucky.

2. People who are threatened by me think before saying something insensitive or silly. Which is great because I don’t have to put up with nonsensical behavior or comments. A dear friend, many years ago, made an offensive remark about my to-be spouse It was so hurtful that I didn’t speak to her for a few months. She got the message eventually.

3. I am taken more seriously. People, who would normally discredit me or not even bother to seek my inputs, have started to hear me.

4. Like attracts like. Whatever intimidates people about me will likely be present in a good number of people who are close to me. This is again a great thing. Nothing cooler than being surrounded by self-assured, confident people.

Of course, there is a fine line between funny and frivolous. But usually, when I call out people for being frivolous or insensitive, I am met with an unintelligent response of, “I didn’t mean it” or “it was a joke” or “Don’t take it personally”. Well, the truth is that emotionally intelligent people don’t say things they don’t mean and usually don’t joke at the expense of hurting someone’s sensitivities.

Which brings me to the second part of this piece.

“What intimidates me?”

Politics. Money talk. Sexism. Gender bias. Stereotyping. Dishonesty. People who can strut about in stilettos.

These are a few items on my intimidation list. Others include my spouse saying, “You have to…”, calling service customer care personnel to fix something, strangers asking me, “Do your dogs bite?” and being given directions to do something mundane, like driving.

This understanding about myself is a precursor to dealing with stressors in a healthy way. For example, instead of expressing irritation or aggression to “do your dogs bite?” remark, I humor them by saying “my dogs are vegetarian”.

But it’s not just the “what” but the “why” that requires a deeper reflection. What to do about my irritation is simpler than why did I get irritated at all.

To understand the "why", I dug deeper and discovered that I was taking their fear personally for me and my dogs. I couldn't be more wrong. Their fear was personal to them. Not specific to me or my pooches, but of the entire canine population. This realization helped me overcome feeling intimidated with negative associations that people have about dogs. So now if you walk into my house, I will appear more considerate to your discomfort with my dogs and also provide you with the necessary steps needed to co-exist in the same space with them.

I encourage you to try and go deeper than the surface level intimidation. It doesn’t have to be a big reveal. But it’s a constructive exercise to help you identify your fears-which is the first step in challenging them. Maybe you will find common themes. Maybe you will learn that you are not actually afraid of what you thought you were.

And that’s where self-growth starts.