"If you can't repair the brakes, make the horn louder"

Original Quote from Steven Wright & Image Courtesy: Superpower Wiki-Fandom

There is not a single person who has lived a problem free life. But our ability to cope with problems is what makes us unique. And every problem is unique too. Then how can the solutions be generic? I ask this rhetorical question because in my experience, as a counselor, for the past five years I have been requested too many times to provide a solution. Explaining to a client that my role is not to give advice is usually met with shock, disappointment and nastiness. I know the reason. As a culture, we give advice quite freely and unconsciously. It is in our DNA. But do you know why?

After all, we are the land of the Bhagvad Gita, which is a discourse by Krishna to Arjun when the latter is faced with a moral dilemma at the battlefield. It is ingrained in our genetic make-up to expect a perceived authority figure to dole out solutions to our life problems. Sometimes it’s unsolicited too. It’s a different matter, whether it will be followed or not and some people even go to the extent of judging, blaming and finding holes in the advice that they themselves asked for.

So why seek advice in the first place? The answer lies in our inability to take responsibility for our own actions. He was a bad husband, so I was left with no choice but divorce him. She was rude to me so I broke off with her. My father screamed at me all the time so I hate him. My boss is unreasonable so I quit. Sound familiar, right? If we consciously hear ourselves just for a day, we will understand that we are colorblind to our own faults. Of course, I am not implying that it’s always your fault or that you stop feeling bothered about things. Sometimes, your angst with someone is perfectly justified. For example, the driver who suddenly switched lanes and you had to slam your breaks or the colleague who took credit for your idea or the friend who misbehaved with you at a party. But more often than not we are too quick to feel offended, hurt, upset or angry at someone's behavior, perceived or real, without really analyzing our own contribution to a messy situation. And why do we do that?

Eons ago, being ostracized from your community, tribe or clan meant, in all probability, death. You’d be left alone to find sustenance and defend yourself against the forces of nature and all things wild. It’s not hard to imagine that humans of that era would do anything they could to avoid being left out. Being part of a community meant food and protection, and social acceptance, vital to one’s survival. So it was very important to not be the fall guy or be associated with problems. It is here that lie roots of some of our most deeply embedded reaction to self-preservation. It’s called BLAME.

Therefore, blame can be understood as a deeply ingrained act of self-protection by being defensive in an attempt to not be rejected, stubborn refusal to take responsibility in an attempt to thwart association with trouble or strong reactivity or anger driven by fear.

And there are two types: blame game and self-blame. Blame is an excellent defense mechanism: projection, denial or displacement helps preserve our sense of self-esteem by avoiding awareness of our own flaws and failings. Blame is a tool we use when we are in attack mode: we resort to hurting others. We are not very good at figuring out the causes of other people’s behavior or even our own. It’s easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility.

Self-blame on the other hand has its roots in our childhood. Psychologists confirm that people who display high levels of self-blame grew up with childhood emotional neglect. It is an invisible and unmemorable force but extremely destructive. Because they look back on their childhood as fine and normal, see no explanation for their adult struggles, so they assume that those struggles are their own fault, setting off a cycle of self-blame. It’s not about pointing figures at parents for deliberately depriving their children of unconditional love, validation and self-worth. It can happen unintentionally, by parents who love their child but are simply not tuned in enough to the child’s emotional needs. If you are prone to internalizing the notion that your needs and achievements aren’t important, you could follow these steps: Become aware of it. Determine the content of the self-blame. Look for roots of that problem in your childhood and have compassion for yourself.

Whether you blame yourself most of the times or play the blame game, the truth is that it keeps you stuck as a judgmental critic. Making you a hard candidate to live, work or play for always blaming someone, defending or reacting strongly as a matter of routine. Luckily, habits can be changed and one way of doing that is by re-framing how you question yourself and others. Think about this: How would you feel or react if someone posed a question that sounded like they are criticizing you as opposed to voicing their concern or curiosity? Apply the same to your questioning till you come up with the version that you are comfortable hearing, that assists you and the other person in coming up with an introspective response.

It’s also vital to remember that there is no one “right” way. Just because you failed once, doesn’t mean that it was the only way or one correct path. Conversely, if someone found a method different from yours doesn’t give you the authority to find fault in his or her method.

Opportunities are infinite, our options are boundless, and we always have the power to change our perspective on any life event, large or small. After all that is exactly what Krishna did with Arjun. But you can stop being Arjun and become your own Krishna, i.e.; trust in your self to seek unique solutions to your unique problems.

Think about this for a minute: When you plant a rose and it doesn’t blossom, what good does it do to blame the rose or yourself? Instead, you look at remedies; maybe it needs more fertilizer, or more water or less sun. In reality, blaming has no positive effect.

“For most people, blaming others is a subconscious mechanism for avoiding accountability. In reality, the only thing in your way is YOU.” Dr. Steve Maraboli