Ask and You shall Receive

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Religious scriptures refer to asking as a form of request or prayer to God. Paramhansa Yogananda taught that we should go to God not as beggars, but as children of God demanding our divine birthright. Jesus taught, “Pray Believing.” The Quran says, “Call on Me and I will answer you.” Needless to say that it’s not a blanket promise with no condition. Assuming that God will give us whatever we ask for is turning Lord into a cosmic genie who serves our every whim. Monotheist's understand that the Almighty knows what is good for us and is faithful and loving to say “no” to selfish and foolish prayers, no matter how much we want what we are asking for. But that doesn’t stop us from asking, nevertheless.

Then why do we have trouble asking others what we want?

Psychologists believe that when we make a request, there is always the possibility of rejection. And rejection hurts. In fact, rejection can hurt so much that we often avoid it by not asking in the first place: Coffee date with an interesting co-worker, a raise or promotion or even a few eggs from a neighbor. Asking for what we want takes courage and involves personal risk. “Some humans also have a bad habit of talking ourselves out of greatness.” We doubt ourselves, thinking we don’t have what it takes. We give in to fear and sabotage ourselves before we even begin.

Three years ago, my husband was driven to get into one of the Big Four Consulting giants. He dished out all the business cards he had accumulated while working for a private business house. Laid them out and stacked them in order of priority. One by one, he sent emails to all of them, introducing himself and seeking work opportunity. Any one who has been in the corporate world, will tell you that decision-makers don’t entertain people so easily unless you are dressed-up as a client with the capacity to contribute to their revenue targets. So seeking employment is a far cry. For those of you who know him, will vouch for his self-belief and fearlessness. So it's no surprise that even though he was prepared to not receive a positive response, he didn’t see any harm in asking. And guess what, a Partner at one of the Big Four emailed him back immediately for a first round of meeting. We both knew that this was just the beginning for a long drawn process of multiple rounds of interviews, shortlisting, ref checks before one could expect a hint of an offer letter. All our experience with corporate hiring was turned on its head when he cleared all his interviews and ref checks in a day and a week later had an offer letter in hand.

This is just one example of how easy it can be to put aside your own petty worries, not assume the behavior of other people or stop dropping hints and make a direct request. Basically, “Don’t be a donkey” says John P. Weiss in theladders.com. They are fine animals as they are stronger than a horse, have an incredible memory and will not do something it considers unsafe. But despite these fine attributes, the male donkey is also known as an “ass” combined with you and me = assume.

So far so good. But with asking comes the possibility of a big fat “no” and/or the task of influencing others to seeing merit in your request. You may still get a “no” but you at least got heard. Basically, you either learn to handle rejection or improve your asking skills.

A simple technique to handle rejection is by exposing yourself to more and more possibilities of getting “no” for an answer. Jia Jiang has inspired many with his 100 days of rejection therapy in TED talk. He has put together a 100 Days of Rejection checklist that suggests you to borrow 100 bucks from a stranger or request for a burger refill or ask a girl out to dinner.

Seeking on the other hand, generally involves some back and forth, paired with some give and take, unless you are a dictator. Art Markman, a psychologist believes that there is no one argument that can suddenly get someone to see the light. It’s a belief change and your odds aren’t exactly superb. Lets say you are in disagreement with a coworker who is feeling anxious about moving ahead with a new project. He is using his own mental filter to interpret the pros and cons of the project, which is why he perceives and responds to information about the project with anxiety. You are probably not going to get anywhere if you undermine or challenge his concerns. That will most likely exacerbate the perceptual gap between your viewpoint and his. Instead, you can connect your own position to his perception by simply respecting his commitment to doing what’s best for the company and then sharing your two reasons of strengthening the company’s position through this new project. Voila! Suddenly you have re-framed the dispute around a shared belief: the health of the company.

In other words, to get what you want from someone requires you to understand their perspective first, and then link the beliefs supporting their perspective to your demand. The point is to influence them by finding enough common ground to win them to your side-not running to opposite corners and shouting across the divide.

From important stuff to every day things, asking is a skill that I am learning to acquire. And it applies not just to worldly desires. My faith assures me that I can approach God in any way I want and I will be rewarded suitably. God is like a mirror. He is unconditional love, who reflects my thoughts, desires and attitudes exactly as I want. He does not decide what to give me, what I should want or what I choose for myself. That responsibility rests with me. It is up to me whether I approach him for material rewards, for spiritual liberation or for removal of obstacles and difficulties. Whatever want I express to Him, He will manifest that for me. He rewards both the good and bad alike and since there are no limits to what He may give me, I have to be careful about my wishes because ultimately what I seek is part of my karma. Therefore, it becomes absolutely imperative to ask wisely and carefully.

Of course, its impossible to always get what you want. But as a human being you have the right and duty to ask without expecting or assuming a suitable outcome. Can you handle that?

After all, you get in life what you have the courage to ask for!

And

Sometimes, "not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” – Dalai Lama