Be Reasonable, Do it My Way

Yesterday, my driver of 7 years, misbehaved with me forcing me to fire him, rather unceremoniously. Somewhat like the seven-year itch! Theoretically speaking, happiness in a relationship starts to go downhill after seven years and is the time when couples are most likely to cheat has been statistically proven to be true by numerous psychologists. Its logical on some level-you can’t stay in the honeymoon phase forever. Figuratively speaking, my driver’s display of disrespect and indiscretion demanded that I end his employment contract with us, seven years was just a coincidence. It was a shock to all of us since he had become an intrinsic part of the household and was given the respect and regard as a member of the family.

But to be honest, we had all seen it coming. It was just a matter of time before we reached our threshold of patience with him considering he had been given several warnings about his teenage-like infatuation/obsession for my cook (who is married too). It is not rocket science to know that their indiscretions stemmed from lust to thrill and lots of stuff in-between. But it piqued my curiosity to further understand why he had wiped out his reputation and a good job in just seven weeks?

The answer lies in PERSUASION.

Google defines it as “the action or process of persuading someone or of persuaded to do or believe something.” Aristotle established three kinds of persuasion-logos, pathos and ethos: the appeal to reason, the appeal to emotion and the appeal to one’s character.

The ancient Greeks had a more grounded approach to persuasion. Their stated goal was reasoned argument that exposed the truth. They believed in the free market of good ideas, where Sophists would sometimes switch sides in the middle of a debate since the idea was to expose bad ideas and allow the good ones to be revealed. But modern day persuasion hardly follows this approach of persuasion.

Today, we live in an environment dense with influence attempts. People requesting us to buy things, pay for things, showing us what product to use, where to shop, offering slogans and ideologies to remember, telling us where to go, what to do and how to live our lives. If you keep a count, it will be a staggering number of persuasive appeals in a single day. You will agree then that each one of us is subjected to an uncountable number of influence attempts every day. Cajoling, requesting, demanding, exhorting, inveigling or otherwise manipulating each other to further our ends are all techniques we use to influence others. Persuasion is just a more sophisticated word to describe your skill at getting what you want. It’s a “smooth operator” and benefits people the most who know how to use it. In today’s world, Politicians, Religious Leaders, Terrorists, Lawyers, Advertisers to name a few, rely on persuasion and tactics by getting you to think and do things they want you to think and do.

How do they do that, exactly?

When you can influence someone to wear a safety belt or not drink and drive, that’s obviously a good thing. But when you consider some awful things that people are persuaded to do, it becomes vital to understand the psychology of persuasion. Psychologist Robert Cladini described six “principles of persuasion” and Psychology Today elaborates on them.

Reciprocity

Have you ever wondered about “free samples”? It works on the principle of doing something for someone first, making them feel obliged to do something back for them. Of course, people do nice things for others without wanting anything in return, but remember that, in most people, the feeling of being “beholden” to someone is a powerful influencer.

Self-consistency

You will use self-helping measures to maintain constancy of ideas. For example, saying you have always liked running after you have gotten rewarded for it, even though you were previously out of shape and hated it before being on the team for it in school. Or telling people how amazing your blind date was after you have fallen in love with the person, while previously you were not thrilled about going on that date.

Basically, people who commit, orally or in writing to some idea or goal are more likely to uphold that idea or strive for that goal, because it establishes it as congruent with their self-image. There is immense power in the need to feel and be consistent.

Social proof

We are herd creatures and a million people can’t be wrong! Forced laughter or applause on T.V. shows has used this principle to make the show appear funnier which makes it more popular. How many people would really wear low-slung, underwear-revealing jeans if no one else was doing it? Our tendency to do or believe something just because lots of people do can stop us from thinking for ourselves.

Perceived authority

“It must be correct because a teacher says so!” Or I must use this brand of toothpaste because it is “dentist recommended” or “I was just following orders” is an excuse given by ex-Nazis when asked to explain their actions. Stanley Milgram’s famous experiments in the 1960s plainly showed that normal people can be made to carry out highly objectionable and very cruel acts because of the universal principle of blindly responding to perceived authority.

The problem is that authority can be easily faked by simply putting on appropriate trappings-a uniform or a certain manner of speech or behavior. And we fall for it.

Likeability

Ever attended a Tupperware party or an Amway meeting? They are called pyramid scheme offering since we are most likely to say “yes” or buy from someone we know and like. Have you ever noticed why sales people are often effective and likeable? And physically attractive people are universally assumed to be more likeable, cleverer, braver and more moral than plainer folks. It’s called the “halo effect”.

Scarcity

How many times have you heard people tell you, “We can only hold these prices until Monday!” or “There are only a few pieces left”? The implication that they will soon be scarce makes them more valuable. Imagine if diamonds grew on trees and littered the ground nobody would think much of them. What makes them so valuable is their relative scarcity. There just aren’t that many of them around. But this principle goes deeper and affects more of our experience of life than we might think. If someone is moody, grumpy and disagreeable most of the time, we can fall into the trap of feeling unduly grateful when they occasionally demonstrate a shred of pleasantness. Their nice behavior becomes a lot more valuable to us. This inconsistency in reward is a lot more addictive and compulsive according to psychologist B. F. Skinner. It’s the reason why you see people spending hours on slot machines and why people go back to an abusive lover.

To sum it up, we are inclined to go along with someone’s suggestion if we think the person is a credible expert (authority), if we regard him or her as a trusted friend (likeability), if we feel we owe them one (reciprocity) or if doing so will be consistent with our beliefs or prior commitments (consistency). We are also inclined to make choices that we think are popular (consensus) and that will net us a scarce commodity (scarcity).

Based on these findings, I can safely assume that unconsciously the principles of likeability, authority and scarcity were at play between the driver and the cook. Of course, context and timing are also crucial factors in infidelity. But to disregard their reputation and cheat on their spouses requires one of them to relinquish all control and be blindly influenced. From Aristotle to Cialdini, getting people over the fence and onto your side without the use of force, involves skillful techniques.I could be wrong but my gut tells me that my cook is the more skilled one here.