The Only Thing You Need , To Be In A State Of Harmony

Over time, we have developed various ways of making decisions. A choice with most benefits and the least price is what makes the choice worth making. Cost-benefit analysis approach works well when making business decisions. But value-based approach works well for our overall well-being. Values are intimately related to our needs. When we focus on what is important to us our decisions are aligned to our needs, we feel good.

If a hungry child asks for some bread and you give it to him, you feel good about it. Or if a colleague is deliberately sabotaging a project and you call him out, you feel you did the right thing.

Essentially, we all know that it is important to be a good person.

But being a good person is hard and it doesn’t just happen. It requires you to want to be a good person and make choices that correspond with the things that are universally accepted as "good". They are called values. "Values are principles or standards of behavior, one's judgement of what is important in life."

But possessing or knowing these values are not enough to make you become a good person. Your behavior has to correspond to those values, as the adage goes, “Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” Mark Twain. And good behavior involves being a giving person, i.e. we like to be a person who is concerned with what they are giving or contributing rather than a person who is concerned with what they are taking or getting.

Giving involves two things according to Etsko Schuitema, an anthropologist and renowned business consultant who has authored numerous books on Leadership. It either requires generosity or courage. Like feeding a hungry child displays generosity and standing up for injustice displays courage. This goes to show that giving is not about being nice. Sometimes giving requires softness and kindness and sometimes it requires hardness and bravery.

In effect, it is about being appropriate not nice or right.

The adjective appropriate comes from Latin “appropriare”, which means “to make something fit, to make something one’s own”. Then isn’t it logical and less stressful to make decisions or take action based on what sits well or fits-in with your core values?

I was often confused about what really is the "appropriate" thing to do. We all face situations, when it’s a difficult choice between being soft and giving or being tough and standing our ground.

Last year, a neighbor who I am acquainted with sought help for a part-time cook. My part-time cook was looking for extra work and I put her in touch with my neighbor. We both were sharing her services happily until the neighbor started manipulating the cook to suit her requirements that clashed with mine. Eventually, the cook quit my house but continued to work for my neighbor. I not only felt enraged at being left and high and dry by the help but also hurt with my neighbor for displaying self-centeredness for my kind gesture. I was conflicted. Part of me felt to ignore it as a petty issue however another part of me felt that I should take a stand in following security protocol. Which meant revoking her gate pass for gaining entry into the complex, since as per records I had endorsed the cook’s credentials.

What I sat with then was an “inner feeling conflict”. Do I act on the feeling that I should not be petty-minded, or should I act courageously, knowing that my neighbor will misunderstand. In the end I acted courageously. I knew I had done the right thing, because my behavior was aligned to the way I see myself-an honest and a no-nonsense person.

The point of the story is not to show someone in bad light but to provide insight into feeling “disconnected” with ourselves because of an internal dilemma.

Why do we experience inner ambiguity?

The answer is simple: when we don’t behave in accordance with principles that are important to us.

For example, if you have let down a friend and felt uncomfortable because you see yourself as dependable, then you have experienced inner ambiguity. It’s an uncomfortable tension arising out of two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time-you feel unhappy within. To release this tension you can do two things:

Change your behavior: make amends for letting your friend down.

Or

Justify your behavior: finding an explanation for letting your friend down. In the end you need to feel connected within i.e. behave, act and think as appropriate to your values.

Therefore, "Happiness is what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Mahatma Gandhi.