That's Enough! I'm Done!

Waiting for another to give you closure is like waiting for the dead to bury themselves. So I did myself a favor and grabbed a shovel.

A few years ago I celebrated my parent’s Golden Anniversary. It was a special occasion and called for a get together of family and friends who had been part of their journey. My single point focus was to make it personal and a memorable event for my folks and once they acknowledged it, I can say confidently that “it was a job done well.” Arrangements were made to accommodate everyone under one roof over two nights and three days. A short time to allow for maximum fun and enjoyment for all. But every time I reminisce the beautiful event, I am also reminded of the one episode that put a speck on that very special occasion.

So I decided to blot out the memory by expressing myself honestly and clearly. It was not easy but I found the courage to say what I wanted to say and move on. This is how it all began.

An uncle (read family member) of mine decided to feel offended when we wrapped up the bar counter. In all his wisdom, he targeted my husband to display his aggression with posturing and expletives. My husband is not a saint, which means he did not turn the other cheek when humiliated , but I was impressed with his Buddha-like composure in responding and not reacting. He made it clear to my huffing and puffing uncle that he should thank his stars that it’s neither the occasion nor the setting to make a scene. Thankfully, the episode was witnessed by a handful of people, thereby, containing the impact of its one-sided ugliness. We left the next morning and the rest as the cliché goes “is history”. But It got me thinking.

What gives people the right to insult?

The psychology of insults is vast, spanning cultural subtext and primary human emotion. According to Eva Jajonie, a clinical psychotherapist, “when suppressed concerns and feelings are not treated or dealt with, the person uses insult to unleash anger, as a way to exert control and feel powerful.” The brilliant French psychoanalyst, Jacques Lacan taught that when anything or anyone threatens us with the truth of our inherent flaws, the quickest, easiest and most common defense available is to hide the truth of our weakness and to give the illusion that we possess some sort of power through aggression or posturing. All you think of is to get revenge or defend your pride-to create the feeling that you have power and importance.

Sometimes insults come from failed expectations. When things do not go as we wish or as we plan and there is an obstacle, we immediately become frustrated and angry on persons around us and lash out. Therefore, anger is referred to as the desire to “get-even”-that is, to take revenge on the cause of the hurt. Anger is a choice as well as a habit. It is learned reaction to frustration in which you behave in ways that you would rather not.

So one can safely assume that his intention was to get even with my husband (angry outburst), which was caused by unfulfilled expectations. My husband and I, hurt for a while but eventually put our feelings aside and attended the engagement of his daughter, my cousin earlier this year. So far so good, until recently. History repeated itself at a family dinner when he chose to ignore my husband. His wife, my aunt noticed it and covertly coaxed him to do what she believed was the right thing to do – shake hands with my husband who was standing up out of respect for my uncle. My husband’s gesture was a clear sign that he had moved on and was keen on maintaining a cordial relationship however my uncle’s gesture or lack of was quite the opposite.

Which brings me to my second question, what drives people to repeatedly misbehave?

Because they're human and fallible; they absolutely must on occasion act rude, stupid, insensitive, thoughtless, and all the rest.

But more importantly, no one has called them out for their misbehavior before, so they continue to demean. Often, demeaning behavior arises from suppressed emotions. A person will become upset about some issue and instead of sharing those feelings with the person with whom they are having the conflict they decide to keep the emotions to themselves. Rarely do the emotions go away just because the person is holding them inside. The emotions tend to fester and grow over time. Eventually, they leak out as demeaning behavior. Since the emotions can fester for some time, there is usually a period between the initial incident that provokes the emotion and the display of demeaning behavior. This makes it more difficult and confusing for the person who is on the receiving end of this behavior.

Moreover, it enables us to experience not only a certain moral superiority over the other, but a renewed sense of power over them as well. According to Robert Fuller, “In personal relations, the abuse of rank is experienced as an insult to dignity. Our antennae are tuned to detect the slightest trace of condescension or indignity in other’s treatment of us. Pulling rank takes the form of disrespect, insults, snobbery and humiliation. Even when not deliberately malicious, rank can still warp and deform our interactions." Thus, “Rankism”- is an assertion of superiority. It is what people who think they are “Somebodies” do to the people they take for “Nobodies”.

To sum it up, people are motivated to unleash anger through insults or misbehavior for various reasons. As a result they will fly into a rage (the first episode at the Golden Anniversary Celebration) or display veiled anger through passive indifference (the second encounter at the family dinner). And the truth is that anger is not something you can ever “get rid of”. As long as you are alive there will be times when you will feel powerless, inferior or uncomfortable. And, as long as there are times when you feel powerless or inferior, you will hurl insults and misbehave (passively or aggressively).

So what do you do when you cannot force someone to admit they were wrong or apologize? Only they have the power to shift their perspective. And sometimes, its just not going to happen.

Once you notice that you feel hurt, you have a choice. You don’t have to accept blindly the unconscious slide into getting even. You don’t have to “get angry.” That is, you don’t have to become abusive or violent. But simply stand up –to defend yourself or others and say something about the ugliness that everyone wants to ignore or deny. You simply need only express your pain or hurt openly.

I texted him as soon as I reached home well before my hurt turned to anger and had a chance to build into anything destructive. I didn’t have to understand why I was feeling what I was feeling in the moment; but just communicate what I was feeling in the moment.By doing so, I was able to put an end to the things that I was not OK with. And no, there has been no reconciliation and that is fine too. Because reconciliation requires three things. First, it requires that the other person recognize injury inflicted on you and admit that it was wrong. Second, it requires that the other person repent that injury-that is, feel sorry for it. Third, it requires that the other person make reparation to you-that is, do something to repair the damage.

Whether it happens or not is insignificant to me because I am free from the need to convince others of my point of view. I have enough self-confidence and courage to leave a pointless argument behind and put an end to giving any more importance to the tiny blemish on an otherwise splendid memory.

Life has to leap forward.