If my tattoo could talk

Tattoos act as symbols and behavior. Some evoke power. Some tattoos stop time by implying that you are in eternal present, willing to change your body permanently, not worried that the image will become a maze of wrinkles. Some say "notice me", compelling attention. Some threaten or represent conflict.

What started as a quest for me to etch something unique became a source of comfort.

A symbol that speaks to me of

awakening, regeneration and rebirth.

Materially, I had everything I needed and much of what I wanted. We lived in a big bungalow that remains a neighbour's envy till date. I went to the best schools that the town had to offer, played sports, learned to sing and play the harmonium. There were plenty of celebrations, vacations and socializing.I was a confident child with excellent oratory skills. I stood first in class 3 for elocution and won many medals for my achievements in track and field events and basketball. That is the last active memory I have of doing my parents and myself proud.

After that my life was a haze.

I withdrew into a shell and never came out of it.

I understand today that as humans we are mostly risk-averse. We are much more inclined to stay put than we are to move on, because we prefer the status quo-even if it’s lousy and

painful-to parts unknown. We are more strongly motivated by intermittent reinforcements-having what we desire happen some of the time-than we are by getting what we want all of the time, or even never getting it.

That is particularly relevant since I grew up starved for love, approval and support. The occasional scrap of attention-or even a momentary lull in nonstop comparison-had the same effect on me as a five-course meal.

Additionally, I began to see a loss as a “near win”; this is what keeps people at slot machines when the symbols almost match or what keeps some people plugging away at golf. So when I received a compliment from a loved one or got attention from the wrong person, I became full of hope, sure that a victory is close at hand: “I will finally be appreciated for who I am, “They will finally realise how wrong they were about me”.

Alas, all efforts to improve my image began to fail.

So I did what I could to armour myself but continued to be hurt by encounters with family, still felt adrift and was unable to set healthy boundaries. My life was spiralling out of control and didn’t have any motivation to make it work. I was struggling with having the strength to let go of a very toxic and manipulative relationship. It bruised my already compromised self-esteem. I began losing sight of myself, confused and depressed, I turned to all kinds of unhealthy emotional support. It left me feeling ashamed and utterly guilty.

I had reached a point where I had nothing else to lose and no lower place to fall to; I had hit rock bottom.

I was struggling to protect me from my self-destructive thoughts and feelings. I just couldn’t get past the wrong decisions, the failures and the betrayals. I could not escape nor change what had brought me there. Then came along a mentor who sat with me in this place that was neither comfortable nor dry. He showed me that I was not alone. He showed me the innate power that was hidden within me, the gift of rebirth whenever we choose, for we always have free will.

The burning pyre of rock bottom became my fuelling ground, my departure from a life that no longer fit into anything sensible, useful or productive. I owe it to my mentor to help me circuit the toughest curves, the distinctly painful places to where traces of hope lie silently before me. He showed me that while I may have been hanging by a thread but I was still in the game and I had the opportunity to turn my miseries into an advantage. He believed in my inner strength and goodness that gave me the courage to rise up.

The legend of the phoenix became my authentic truth.

Her death embodies a spirited transformation, a transition from one life to the next, where she can evolve and gather even greater strength for the journey ahead.

We all fall into spirals of fear and anxiety and frequently feel like we are somehow being punished. But remember that life does not punish you. It pushes you and prepares you to create your own unique life experiences.

Adversity only serves to ignite and fire up our resolve. It nudges us to dig deep and it helps to have someone by your side to help you keep uncovering layers of your own inherent wisdom. Don’t expect to have all the answers right away, but trust that at some point you will be able to look back and connect the dots to find the blessing.

Keep Rising!