How I became my own person

There is an old adage that everyone has a book inside of them.

“How you arrange the plot points of your life into a narrative can shape who you are.” Julie Beck

My prologue was this; “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me I think I’ll go eat worms! Big fat juicy ones, Eensie weensy squeensy ones, See how they wiggle and squim!” (I didn’t make that up.)

Believe it or not it’s an actual children’s song!! I am sure whoever wrote it, was intending to be funny but the humor was completely lost on me back then when I was a pre-teen.

The rest of my book carried stories of dating complete idiots, being unsocial, an average student, but a good singer and athlete with an uncanny ability to get into trouble through my teen years and college life.

The plot becomes more complex as I spend most part of my youth getting away from the bad things that defined me in a“tarnished”way-“the rebellious one”or “the stubborn girl” or “the ungrateful one”. Oblivious to what else I was beyond these labels. Looking for love in all the wrong places and doing all the wrong things to get it. Feeling bad about how I looked and the way I conducted my life. Looking critically at myself in the mirror and finding physical flaws to focus and expand on. Trying to be a good person but would review my actions or words and would find myself guilty of not saying or doing the right things. Practice kindness and doing the right thing but always falling short.

In the end, there is no redemption, I become my own worst critic, as they say. Much harder on myself than I would ever dream of being to anyone else in my life.

Pretty boring and uninspiring, right! In choosing to tell this story to myself, the story itself became a part of my personality. This narrative became my identity.

But where was this negative critiquing narrative coming from?

I had learned to reject myself.

How often have we heard or said this to a loved one; “If you love me, you will study harder” or “If you really care for me you will do as I say” or “I want the best for you that’s why I want you to be as good as the kid who comes first in your class”. Its called Conditional Love. Conditional approval and love operate at so many levels in our society.

We believe that we are only worthy if we are productive. We believe that we need people to like us in order to be a good person. We believe we are valued more when we do well in school or at work.

The point of conditional love is to control someone’s behavior. We want them to stop or start doing something and we show our approval or disapproval.

If we think back to our own childhood experiences, when an adult expressed disappointment or disapproval in something you did, did you really think, “wow, she really loves me, that’s why she’s showing her disappointment and disapproval!” Probably not. It didn’t feel like love when adults disapproved your choice of clothes or friends, the way you talked or walked or your toys and games.

The child begins to understand that continued love and good will from adults depends on pleasing the adult. They begin to look outside of themselves for love and approval. This external motivation was at the root of rejecting myself.

So how could I begin to be more approving of myself?

This is where my story changes and I begin to create a new plot point.

I had my “A-ha” moment from this discovery; to allow my inner parent to become more nurturing to my inner child.

I began with a few simple things.

I accepted myself with all my perceived flaws. I focused on my past achievements. I counterattacked each of my negative labels with a positive one. I began to be less critical of myself and more approving of myself. I learned to give the same consideration and respect to myself that I had always tried to give others. I began to feel more secure and confident. I developed more meaningful relationships. I was better able to handle criticism and I distanced myself from people who could not respect my boundaries.

This new redemptive plot line to my life story helped create a better identity for myself. One which is far more interesting, memorable and inspiring.

It is never too late to re-arrange the plot points of your life into a different narrative that will make yourself whole and accept every part of who you are. All you need to do is to communicate with your inner child and let it know that you accept or forgive the part that does all the stupid things, the part that is funny looking, the part that is scared, the part that is foolish and silly—every single part of yourself.