How I became UN-offendable - 2/2

The reason I said "I am not Buddha" is because there is a story about his approach that serves as an insight.

There was a man who constantly harassed and insulted the Buddha, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse at him. But the Buddha never seemed fazed by this. When someone asked why he didn’t take offense, he simply replied, "If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?"

Last week, I was at the grocery store, waiting in queue at the check-out counter. A woman approached and asked me if I could let her check-out before me. When I returned a polite-but-firm no, she called me a jerk.

That was her gift, and I refused to accept it. I shook off the insult and went ahead with completing my work at the store.

And that’s really what it comes down to: choice

Insight #1 Nobody can offend you without your permission.

I should clarify that I am not advocating you to sit back and let people insult you repeatedly without response (sorry Buddha). Every now and then it is important to assert yourself, lest folks start taking advantage of your unoffendability.

During my college years, I used to be in a shared accommodation off-campus. There were three of us sharing a large room. One of them had a real knack for waking me up. It was like she’d been preparing her whole life for that one task. She’d get up at 5am, turn on the light, and start making all sorts of noise as she got ready for the day, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there were other people in the room trying to sleep.The first morning I let it go, choosing not to take offense. But the second morning, when it became apparent that this gal wasn’t going to figure out the whole consideration thing on her own, I called her on it. If I hadn’t, I knew I would have carried the resentment around with me for the rest of the day, and probably would have bitched about the gal behind her back.

Too many of us do this. We whine and complain about how other people mistreat us, but we never actually say anything to the offenders.Whining and complaining is pretty pointless in general, but it also becomes spineless when you don't bring it up and take action to rectify the situation. So the next time when the lady at the gym, repeatedly hogs up all the floor space or litters equipment, call her on it. If you’re watching a movie that sucks, stop watching and go do something else. If someone pisses you off, call them on it.

And if you can’t call them on it for whatever reason, the smart choice is to distance yourself from that person, or just learn to accept their behavior. No good comes from enduring an annoyance and building up all kinds of secret resentment.

Insight # 2 Stand up for yourself.

When someone called me fat and I got offended by it, its because I was not truly comfortable with my weight. Now I understand that instead of resenting that person, I could use their words as a launch pad for exploring my relationship with my body, and making it a healthier one.

My grandfather nicknamed me "jiddan bai" (stubborn one). It was an insult I lived with for years. I couldn't call him out for obvious reasons. So I learned to ignore it, only in part. I appeared to not be offended but I still felt offended. After he passed away, I contemplated on his label for me. To be honest there was some truth to it and it helped point to the direction of my faults and insecurities. That got me busy working and improving myself. And I can proudly claim to be a far more open-minded and flexible person today.

Insight # 3 Insults can act as signposts.

Imagine the guy who never puts himself out there, never puts himself in a position to be criticized. What happens when he falls into an unavoidable situation where criticism is inevitable?

Easy: He crumbles.

I experienced this first hand just a week ago. A piece I posted on one of the social media sites garnered a lot of attention. The first person who vehemently and rudely opposed my view crushed me and my confidence. I first thought of responding rudely in equal measure. I mulled over it and wasted half my day feeling offended and stupid for putting myself out there. After much deliberation I decided not to react. I made a choice to not honor his rudeness or accept his gift. Instead, I kept my cool and clarified my stand as a general comment and not specific to him. Subsequently, I was able to shrug off all other trollers, laughingly.

A man who has been criticized regularly in the past is likely to shrug off future insults as no big deal, while a man who has never been insulted before will surely be left reeling when someone first likens him to a donkey appendage.

I encourage you to put yourselves out there online, and in the real world, because you learn how to deal with other people not liking with you, or disagreeing with you, or thinking you’re a complete jerk. I believe it’s important to learn how to handle that. You’re inviting criticism, sure, but I see it as hardening myself against criticism, building a thicker skin.

Insight # 4 Insults help us build a kind of immunity against criticism.

So to sum it up, the next time someone throws an insult your way do this:

Pause. Don't respond right away.

Consider the Intent. If you can figure that out, it is easier to come up with an appropriate response.

Ignore. If you understand that someone is intentionally trying to insult you.

Call them out.

Contemplate. If the insult actually has any basis in reality, and if it points to an issue you need to address. If not, you can just forget about it.

These days if someone tells me I am being obstinate, I know its true. That is because I am secure enough in myself and i live in line with my values.