Repression - The layers within

A child who grew up in an abusive home situation doesn’t remember being beaten but has trouble trusting anyone or forming relationships.

An optimist remembers the past with a rosy glow and constantly repeats mistakes.

A man has a phobia of spiders but cannot remember the first time he was afraid of them.

A person greets another with “pleased to beat you” (A Freudian slip of repressed idea of violence toward the other person creeping through).

Sigmund Freud believed that many of our physical and mental problems are caused by deeply repressed internal conflicts. He reasoned that although painful thoughts and disturbing memories were out of the conscious mind, they still had the capacity to cause unhealthy behavior. This is because they remained in the unconscious mind.

This is Repression, the fundamental defense mechanism in Freudian theory: “What you forget, can’t hurt you.”

Simply put, you forget an unpleasant experience, in the past, such as a car accident at which you were found to be at fault or you “forget” to do something unpleasant such as seeing the dentist or meeting with an acquaintance you don’t really like.

While Repression can be temporary beneficial, particularly if you have forgotten something bad that happened to you. But over time if you don’t come to grip with the experience, it may rear its ugly head in some unhealthy way.

When we were kids, we dealt with difficult situations. Sometimes we were bullied. Sometimes we didn’t get a new toy. Sometimes we were yelled at. We then developed defenses based on these events. The problem arises when we don’t grow up or move past these events or defenses.

The reason you might be scared to talk to girls isn’t because of a single girl herself, its because of all the times in the past when a girl called you a name and your mom blew up at you or the first time you kissed a girl, it went horribly wrong. Maybe a parent shamed you for kissing a boy or maybe you were both smashed and you got sick while kissing each other. The event is long gone but the experience and feelings of shame or guilt or embarrassment stayed.

The reason you get so frustrated when you don’t get something you think you deserve isn’t because of not getting that one thing, its because you were always told, “No, you can’t have X” in the past, and you started to believe it.

There are many instances to substantiate the numerous ways in which we cope with challenges through Repression. Another scenario that comes to mind is about a couple that has an argument where the woman complains that the man never listens. It may be that the man dismissed something very small or didn’t engage heavily in conversation because he thought it wasn’t necessary. The woman’s ex-boyfriend always did this and she hated it, so she starts getting incredibly upset for no reason. In turn, the man might have had a complicated relationship with his mother where she was prone to aggravated reactions for little things. She would take out her aggression on him, frantically yelling and blaming him for no reason. His behavior as a child was to retreat in to his room without saying a word, physically and emotionally locking her out. So, he does this again with his girlfriend because it’s all he knows. Then they just keep getting angry and frustrated with each other ad infinitum, until something happens – maybe it’s a break up, maybe its violence but either way, its not going to be good.

It would be nice if I could give you a list of signs to see when and how Repression is happening. But I can't. It’s different for everyone. For example, I know when people tried to shame me it hit on my past. Same with when people called me a name, even jokingly, I would get a bit unnerved and anxious that manifested itself as tightness in my throat, chest and upper back. Another example of Repression that I can apply to myself is nearly drowning in a swimming pool as a toddler that developed into my fear of swimming. It’s much later in life that I made this connection and have developed my own way of dealing with all of these through counseling, hypnotherapy and self-help therapy. Its helped me know what type of person I am and become a more self-aware adult than ever.

So, if you repressed a lot of emotions for a long time, it will be hard work and most likely painful but the rewards will outweigh the pain. And I say this from personal experience.

The Taoists view emotions as information or energy. When you block this flow of information with the body by using Repression, it creates energetic blockage or stagnation. Specific organs relate to certain emotions. For example:

Fear goes to the kidneys.

Anger stores in the liver.

Grief lives in the lungs.

Its no surprise then that from a Taoist perspective, the majority of physical illnesses find their root in repressed emotions that causes energetic blockages in the body’s meridians.

Naom Lightstone, in her article ““How to deal with Repressed Emotions and How They Might Be Hurting You:-Micro-Traumas” suggests three ways to deal with Repressed emotions.

1. Work through your past in a safe place and with a trained professional.

2. Communicate with “I” statements during arguments. For example: “I feel hurt when you lash out at me, and I will not talk to you when you do that. I want you to talk directly and without taunts or name-calling.”

The person may not grant your wishes but you may have found a deal breaker in terms of what to do about your relationships. By using “I” statements you are dealing with your emotions now by feeling them and expressing them in a mature way, versus throwing tantrums…or chairs!

3. Express your emotions in the moment. Say, when you are angry, state it directly and feel the entire emotion. Do not repress it. When you are sad, be OK with being sad.

She further warns that emotions might still come back when they are “worked through”. It would be praying to a false god to believe that once you “work through” things they will be completely done when it comes to the past. Some micro-traumas can be greatly eased by working on them through therapy and discovering your own tools, but they may be so strong that they still rise up. But you will be most likely able to control them better and not let them get the worst of you.

A quote from David Richo sums up the problem with applying Repression as a coping mechanism;

“Most of us emerge from childhood with conscious and unconscious psychic wounds and emotional unfinished business. What we leave incomplete we are doomed to repeat.”

According to Daniel Weinberg, a psychologist at Stanford University “one in six of us” tends to repress our unpleasant experiences or memories. He calls them “repressers”. He further elaborates that repressers tend to be rational and in control of their emotions. They see themselves as people who don’t get upset about things, who are cool and collected under stress. You see it in the competent surgeon or lawyer who values not letting his emotions shade his judgment.

But there are some serious implications of repressing unpleasant memories and experiences.

1. Higher Anxiety

2. Higher Blood Pressure

3. Lower Resistance to Infection

4. Ignoring Health Warnings

5. Reluctance to Seek Help

Whether you believe the Taoists or modern doctors, the truth is that the cost of repressing uncomfortable experiences and feelings is very high on our physical and mental health.

If you are oriented to view negative emotions as something you shouldn’t have to experience, you will naturally resist them. If you accept that negative emotions are a natural part of our experience, you may be more open and curious to work with them.

Consider your orientation toward negative emotions like anger, fear, grief and shame:

Do you get irritated when you experience them?

Are you afraid of these feelings?

Are you anxious to get rid of negative emotions when they arise?

Do you believe negative emotions are only for weak people?

Can you observe a pattern of seeking pleasure to escape from your feelings?

Do you view negative emotions as a part of life?

Do you believe you are capable of accepting whatever you are feeling?

Take a minute to reflect on how you perceive and relate to negative emotions within yourself.