The Cause of your Himalayan Blunder

We all understand denial and we are all in denial.

We would barely get through the day if we worried that people we love or we, could die today. Life is unpredictable, and denial helps us cope and focus on what we must in order to survive. On the other hand, denial harms us when it causes us to ignore recurring problems. But...wait...we genuinely believe in death. Right? It is real.

Yet we put things off for tomorrow or ignore our health or don’t mend relationships. We maintain awareness of a troublesome aspect of reality but act as if it doesn’t matter. And that's called disavowal. Prudy Gourguechon calls it a “psychological gremlin you have never heard of.” She thinks of it as the erection of a Plexiglas wall in your mind. You can see through it, but it’s a bit murky. On the far side of the wall you put aspects of reality and logic that you don’t want to be bothered with. You know they are there, you know they are real; you know the consequences of ignoring them. But by putting them on the other side of that wall you can act as if they are not true or real all the while knowing they are.

Denial allows you to dismiss a painful reality so that you can go on acting as if it’s not true. Typically what happens when people continue to stay in abusive relationships or when they need to take action that they don’t want to or accept things as “the way they were brought up”?

On the other hand, disavowal is the mechanism that nudges bending-the-rules into violating-the-law. It’s the “willing suspension of disbelief” – temporarily letting go of mental faculties that lead to bad decisions.

The question that always pops in my head when I hear of a financial scam or a sex scandal is, “what were they thinking?” And the common admission of guilt is “the stupidest thing I ever did.”

So why did they do it?

The answer is that their thinking was impaired by disavowal.

Knowledge, history, logic, likelihood of negative consequences – all these were known but not allowed “in their mental room”- therefore absolutely critical bits of information did not affect the decision taken or change the course of action.

In some senses disavowal operates as an essential protective mechanism. None of us would get in a car if we had clearly in our minds all the risks involved – getting in an accident, losing control and hitting a pedestrian. We know these things can happen. But that knowledge is “cut-off”- it is not banished or buried, as with denial, but it is disconnected from feelings, motivation and meaningful assessment so that it does not materially affect our decision-making.

The consequences of an action such as the possibility of getting caught are split off and effectively neutralized. Your own ethical and moral concerns are also unplugged and relegated to that other room in your head.

So how can you mitigate the damage from knowingly bending-the-rules and not care about the consequences? Prudy suggests:

Don’t assume you are immune to it. You are not.

Don’t assume it cant happen again. It will.

Know your own vulnerability to this sneaky and dangerous tendency. If it’s high, make sure you have a trusted advisor who will actually tell you to stop.

Identify situations when you are most likely to set up walls in your mind to dismiss aspects of reality that are inconvenient at the moment.

Watch out for times you are impulsive and passionate – you are most likely to employ disavowal to rid yourself of facts that would inhibit you from going where you want to go.

If you are still trying to wrap your head around clearly understanding the difference between denial and disavowal. Here is an alternate definition that brings home the difference between denial and disavowal. When the mind acknowledges a painful and threatening event but reduces its scope and magnitude such that it’s bearable. Thus, a large, threatening wildcat becomes a small, tame kitten. Disavowal is, “whatever happens, its impacts are negligible.” Denial is, “there is no threat.”

Thus, “It is the beginning of wisdom when you recognize that the best you can do is to choose which rules you want to live by.”

Because

“It’s persistent and aggravated imbecility to pretend you can live without any.” Wallace Stegner, Novelist.