Recipe for Self - Part 3

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The Sexual Self

"Out of the ten people I engage with everyday on online counseling forums, seven of them are related to sex. Ranging from seeking sexual gratification to relationship issues due to mismatched sexual drives between partners. It’s a horrific statistic, yet we are blind to it like the proverbial “elephant in the room.”

I don’t think it’s as much about being aware but more about ignoring our sexual self, because the socialization and acculturation around sexuality is so distorted that most of us have had experiences that disconnect us from our sexuality – like messages of shame from family, culture or religion, negative sexual experiences; confusion or frustration around desire or orgasm; sexual abuse or trauma or just being too busy and stressed out to think about sex. Over time, this disconnection can lead to struggles with lack of desire, discomfort and relationship issues. Essentially, we lose our inner spark because sex is an inner force that needs to be experienced and expressed in a safe and healthy way.

Remember, this isn’t just about your sex life here-we are talking about your connection to your sexual self and what that means for you. Do you feel inhibited, or free to express yourself? Do you want more or less? In the best of all possible worlds, what is the character of your sexual self and how does it manifest in the world? Sexuality is a natural aspect of our humanity and establishing a healthy connection to our sexual self is a milestone on our journey to authenticity.

The Financial Self

Our relationship with money and material possessions can speak volumes about how we value ourselves. Take time and think of the things you own and what they mean to you.

"I believe that a fancy car, a fat pay-check, a penthouse, jewels, latest gadgets all contribute to making my life more pleasant but they have ceased to be important to me. I prefer to have a long-term commitment with my material possessions over a one-night stand with them, allowing me to enjoy what I have over seeking the next new item. I now seek experiences over precious goods as a sign of wealth."

How do you define success? What does money mean to you in the scheme of you and your self-worth? If you lost everything tomorrow, would you be crushed under the weight of what you perceive as failure or soldier on, confident that your bank balance doesn’t define you? A considered examination of these answers can bring us to a deeper understanding of our material motivations and how we as humans define our success.

The Cultural Self

We all come from somewhere. Understanding that and honoring it within the fabric of our daily lives gives us meaning and context. Have you thought about how your culture – not just your ethnic culture, but also the social milieu of your upbringing – influences you both immediately and more broadly? Does that culture cause you internal tension, or does it bring you a sense of connection and belonging? Many times our daily rituals, from how we dress to how we parent or the career choices we make, are an expression of our culture and what we carry with us as a result.

"There is a video that is doing rounds in social media about the "thugs" of India. While it is a promotion of Rajiv Malhotra's book titled "Breaking India", it does make a valid historical point of how the British looked down upon all cultures and traditions as uncivilized and forced their self-proclaimed civilized culture wherever they went. I inherited this twisted legacy that fueled my fascination for all things "white" and made me confused about my cultural identity. It's only now that I am aware of concepts like "western constructs" and "white supremacy" that have helped me connect with my roots with the belief that there is nothing uncivilized about me or my culture. We are far from perfect and there are many things that I don't understand about my society, but I play a significant role in being the change that I want to bring within my group than feeling like an outsider."

The Spiritual Self

Even if you are an atheist, you have defined spirituality for yourself. What is your definition of spirit, your relationship to it and how does it define you? These aren’t the big questions about God and grace and angels. These are the questions that lead to an understanding of what being connected – or not connected – to a sense of abiding universality means to you and how it influences your worldview. It could be something as complex as doing a close reading of the Vedantic Sutras or as simple as working in your garden. What is spirit to you, and where does it reside in your heart of hearts?

Getting back to our monk, when his master tapped him on the chest, he wasn’t just making a point. He was pointing to what in the Hindu wisdom teachings is referred to as “the light in the lotus”. This is the place where our ego-self-the I, Me, Mine of the everyday – blends with the authentic Self that we often lose because we are so busy going outside, instead of staying in.