One Step Closer - 2/3

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A WAY TO NURTURE YOUR SOCIAL SELF

How much of “who you are” is based on “what others think of you?”

“Just be yourself,” sounds like an amazing thing to do and we all wish we could do just that. What if I wanted to be a jerk to someone in a given situation? Will it be okay to just be me then? Probably not, but why not? The answer has two elements. 1. Our real self and 2. Our social-self. More often than not the two are in conflict.

We are so busy trying to “fit in” that we come to a point when we are unable to differentiate between our authentic self and the image that we have built for ourselves. We do it all the time, like complimenting the host for a delicious meal when you actually didn’t enjoy it or being polite to an unexpected visitor when you are rushing to complete a work deadline or hanging around at a boring party instead of excusing yourself and going home. We are constantly pretending under the garb of being politically correct or socially acceptable. We are so insecure about not being liked that we mask our true self. It’s a challenge because we care so much about being accepted by others.

Our true self is who we really are when we let go of all the stories, labels and judgments that others have placed upon us. It is who we naturally are without the masks and pretentiousness. But how can we be our natural self and shake off the image that society views as acceptable? In other words, “How would I act right now if I had no cares of what others thought of me?”

Here is a three-step process to get to be your true self:

The first step is to recognize the moments you are being inauthentic- saying something you don’t believe, pretending to feel something you are not – you will want to shake it off pretty quickly. Then listen to your instinct. When you feel the bullshit arising, when you feel the discomfort of pretending to be someone you are not, stop and pay attention. Remind yourself that there is another way to be. Finally, take a moment to have a laugh. You catch yourself defending a point of view you might not really hold or tolerating someone being a jerk out of obligation or fighting for a job you don’t really want. Whatever the situation, the moment you catch yourself having a pretentious moment, stop and enjoy the discovery.

Say you have been given a list of questions from a journalist interested in your company. The questions are a bit strange and misleading. But you are trying to answer them to the best of your abilities in an attempt to sound clever. Its stressing you out because you are caught up in the moment that has quickly made you forget that you are a person who loves talking about what you do, who knows your company inside and out and who is excited to share your work with other people. Once you take a moment to recognize that the questions aren’t relevant and know what you really want to communicate, you will discover exactly what you need to do to being yourself again.

Authenticity isn’t the presence of something, but the absence of everything that isn’t authentic. Let that sink in. You don’t need to add anything to become more authentic. You only need to take away anything that isn’t real. With this insight, what are you going to say instead of giving a bullshit compliment? Why are you at this party if you don’t know what to talk about? Why can't you ask for some time to meet your work deadline before attending to an unexpected visitor? Once you put aside your in-authenticity, you are left with only one option. You have to be yourself. It’s a bit scary but also liberating.

Inputs from Jordan harbinger on "How to be who you really are".