Recipe for Self-Part 1

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“The first relationship that I must consider is my relationship with myself.”

But in order to have a relationship, there must be at least two of you since relationship is an environment where two or more learn to work together harmoniously. They do not consider themselves the same, but they can learn to find the right engagement with each other in order to serve and nourish the experience of shared purpose. In truth, there is only one you and of the 7.2 billion people on the planet, you are the only person about whom you have a first-hand experience of, with the chance of direct access to your inner world.

Howard Gardner proposed that there are eight intelligences, with a possible addition of a ninth one called "existentialist intelligence", some coaching systems define eight life areas and some scholars have examined human personality through eight aspects. So, there is reasonable truth in the eight facets of self-relationship proposed by Michael J Formica. Now I know what you are thinking, "Eight facets means a lengthy article...exit." But hang on, show some faith in me here - I have split the eight into three parts. Phew! Let's get on with it.

The Social Self

Identifying our social self contains our core inner personality with which we connect with ourselves as well as others. It consists of family, friends, work colleagues and society at large.

"I am not a very social person but I am happy to talk to people and create meaningful relationships with them. This reflects a significant social aspect of my personality and in turn affects the way I interact with others. As I value the need to relate to people I am motivated to achieve this in my interaction with others. In fact my interest in behavior and people lead me to become a counselor, which has shaped my social identity, and helped me understand my social self."

When we talk about self-relationship, we want to consider what we are doing to support ourselves by leveraging our context. It boils down to thinking about where we land on the spectrum of introversion to extroversion. For instance, if you are an introvert, are you are taking time out for yourself in order to renew and recharge? If you are an extrovert, are you establishing social connections that feed you? If you are an ambivert-somewhere in between-what does that look like and how well is it serving you? As understanding of our interior social needs help us to create a social context that will feed us, rather than bleed us.

The Emotional Self

It is not about the day-to-day mindset but the deeper emotions driving your thoughts, feelings and behavior.

"There was a time in my marriage where I could be seen as a ferocious dragon ready to spew fire and rage at the slightest hint of disagreement. Naturally, it caused many moments of distress for my husband and me. Until, I finally decided to self-reflect; “why was I deliberately sabotaging my marriage?” What at first seemed to be his fault soon turned into the discovery of my need to be understood that was driving my aggression and here is the kicker; my need itself was part of a distorted thinking process. It is distorted because “where is it written that everyone should agree with me or understand me?” Add to that the irrational belief, his disagreement implied his lack of respect and belief in me was nothing short of a Molotov cocktail - meant to cause serious damage to everything it came in contact with. The result was always messy, vandalized and mangled debris of emotions. With self-reflection I was able to see my inner workings and acknowledge my twisted ideas, I discarded them and learned to express myself without the fear of rejection."

In essence, a transparent connection to our thoughts and feelings can bring us into an entirely new state of self-discovery, leading to a more robust fabric of emotional well being. Is that short temper of yours genuine frustration, or an abiding sadness that has no discernible root? Does that commitment to your career speak to your motivation to succeed or an underlying fear of failure?

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