Be what you need to be

Image Courtesy: John Noonan, unsplash.com

“Who are you?” asked the Caterpillar.

Alice replied, rather shyly, “I-I hardly know, sir, just at present – at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

• Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll.

If you have been following my blogs on my life story you will agree that I felt like a passenger, through my young adult life, just going through life in autopilot, unable to see through the haze of familiar pain and confusion. It gave me a “prescriptive identity” that outlined how I was to view myself and the world. Fast-forward a few years, in the midst of an identity crisis, I decided to embark on a journey towards personal discovery. This quest involved examining my past. I exhumed aspects of a life I once lived and analyzed each piece for a thread to connect the past to the present. This process helped me shed the layers of an identity that I once was and the purpose it served at that time, but no longer useful to my present way of being. This is when I learned that the self is anything but constant and static.

I am no expert on the psychology or sociology of the self but Mel Schwartz is and what he suggests resonates with me. “Its an irony that the more we seek the answer to the question about who we are, the more inadequate we feel. As we engage with the complexity of understanding ourselves, we would fare much better to devote ourselves to the unfolding process of life. Witnessing our thoughts, not reacting out of old habit, and become present enables us to better craft our lives. As such, the identity that we seek fires the wave of life, enriched by the flow.”

Imagine you have been married for your entire adult life. Upon divorce or death you are confronted with a distressing thought; “You don’t know who you are?”. After all, how could you since you have never known yourself as a single, autonomous adult. At the other end of the spectrum there are those who claim to know themselves so well that it leaves no room for growth, often claiming to be “this is the way I am and its not going to change.”

To me the sense of self is an ongoing process through constant evaluation and adjustment. Therefore it makes perfect sense to seek a deeper sense of self and become intimately aware of one’s thoughts, feelings, traits, hopes and fears. We hear a lot about relationships. There are love relationships, partnerships, work relationships, friendships and even—ships that have sailed. In service of all these outside relationships, we often overlook or even neglect our most important relationship—our relationship with us, or our self-relationship. Isn’t it intriguing that when we get married, we usually vow to provide for the other person in all the important ways. It’s a formal, legally binding contract. But do we ever take such a vow with ourselves, to promise to take care of ourselves to the best of our ability, no matter what?

In taking care of oneself I do not mean the stuff that keeps us alive, safe and healthy but a sense of authenticity that comes from being aligned to our inner workings. It is an essential step in knowing who you are and having a healthy sense of self-love. So what exactly do we need to do to establish a self-image that is congruent?

There is a story about a young monk who was sent down into the city from his mountain temple by his master to experience the world. Almost as soon as he arrived, he found it difficult to remain centered, and almost impossible to meditate. He would sit on the floor of his room and find himself constantly distracted by the sounds and smells outside his tiny window. Eventually, he traveled back up the mountain to speak with his master and tell him about his struggle. His master listened intently to his tale and then, poking him in the chest, said, “What are you doing out there, when you should be in here?”

Just like the monk who lost himself to what was outside, we often do the same. This is sometimes by virtue of being accommodating and, at others, running all the way to the other end of the spectrum into agency and co-dependence. Whatever the case, a little bit of introspection can help bring us back to our own reality by helping us discern where we are out of alignment. There are eight facets to our relationship with our self and if we look at them from an internal, rather than an external, perspective, they can provide us with an effective roadmap for self-care and self-relationship. I will share these facets in my next post.

Moving on, as we grow up, the way we are treated by others, and the way those others deal with themselves; serve as a compass for how we address ourselves as adults. And the key to develop a healthy sense of self requires us to access the parts of our identity that serve us well and shed the old, habitual pieces that limit us to engage more fully with life. Mel Schwartz calls the process “positive disintegration.” Metaphorically speaking, be more like a willow tree than a sturdy oak, where being flexible enables you to survive storms as you bend with the wind, unlike the rigid oak that is more likely to crack.

The perception that we have of ourselves and the answer when we ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?” may sound like this, “I’m a mother”, “I’m a great friend”, “I’m an accomplished musician.” Or “I’m laid-back and easy going.” These responses come from your internal sense of who you are. The sense is developed early in life, but it goes through constant evaluation and adjustment throughout the lifespan. It is multidimensional and can be broken down into individual aspects. For example, you may have a different version of who you are in terms of your physical body and your perception of your spirit.

Therefore, I am asking you to think about identity as an ongoing process rather than a static snapshot. As Kira Keulemans says, "Finding ourselves involves a perpetual phoenix like state of re-capitulation." Also, how different would life be if rather than asking who am I, you contemplated on how you would like to engage life? Once you have a handle on that, you can embrace the parts that work for you and shed the ones that don’t.

References:

“How’s Your Self-Relationship?” by Michael J Formica MS, MA, EdM.

“12 Keys To A Great Self-Relationship, Starting Now” by grant Hilary Brenner MD, FAPA

“Who am I?” Kira Keulemans