Move from external validation to internal validation

Image Courtesy: Ian Chen, Unsplash.com

Pandemic or not, worrying about what people think about you simply doesn’t stop by telling yourself that you need to stop caring what people think. There is a reason that you constantly worry about what others think of you or you have noticed approval-seeking tendencies in your behavior. Dr. Mara Klemich, a psychologist, says, “As humans, we all share an innate drive to connect with others. We are wired towards inclusion. Rejection means exclusion and thus understandably triggers fear.” Caring about what others think of you makes us belong. So understanding that your desire for approval is innate in all humans is helpful. Some of the approval-seeking behaviors can manifest in different ways.

Here are some examples of how you could be exhibiting this behavior:

Changing your opinion when noticing that others disapprove of what you have said or done.

Not complaining when you feel that you have been mistreated.

Pretending to know something when you definitely don’t or

Apologizing too much, even when you know you have done nothing wrong.

So how do we fix this behavior?

Klemich suggests being honest with yourself by asking yourself the following question, “Where does my approval-seeking come from? You might have to look back into your past to figure that out, which isn’t always comfortable.” She continues to elaborate by identifying the source of your behavior in a “childhood-created coping strategy.” Did you feel a need to get love from your parents and create ways to get their approval? Did you struggle to make friends at school, and subsequently develop a fear of being rejected? She adds, “By identifying where the approval-seeking started, you can identify the types of situations that trigger your need for approval in your current life.” Sometimes we may have been excessively judged in childhood or made to feel that we are not good enough or were bullied. We develop a low self-esteem that explains the need for external validation. Our self-worth becomes overly dependent on what others think about us.

But the good news is that you can build a better self-esteem through confidence. Here are a few tips on how to do that:

Give yourself jobs and responsibilities that you can achieve or successfully tackle.

Assess your own performance by identifying what went well and what you could have done better.

Remember that challenges are good. Just because you didn’t succeed at something at first, doesn’t mean you are not capable. How can you possibly succeed at something you have never done or faced before? Struggling with a project or an assignment is an opportunity to learn and failing at something or making a mistake is an opportunity to try again.

Look back at past events that made you proud of yourself regardless of the outcome. Sometimes success is not the only benchmark of achievement. Getting through a tough situation or showing courage in face of adversity is by no means easy and overcoming it needs to be acknowledged and celebrated by you.

Ask 3 trusted friends to spell out what they value most about you.

Become your own cheerleader because the fact is that everyone else is busy cheering for themselves.

Remember, everyone fails and makes mistakes, its called being human. You are not your mistakes; they are what you did, not who you are.

Lastly, quiet that voice of doubt inside of you. You are good enough, you do deserve good things, you are smart enough and you are worthy of love.

Let me know how would your life change if your self-esteem improved?